Impulses

4-5-15
i know that a have some impulses. i’m not proud of them, i even wish i could control them, but it seems all i can do is remember them and how much danger i was in.
i have better control of them now and if i can’t control them i lose a few choices, because i submit to a Dom. i’d rather lose those choices than continue what i was doing. i’m doing better because of my Dom. i didn’t understand at first that he was helping me, not like i understand now. There are some things i won’t do again and some things that i struggle with not doing again, but i no longer feel as though my life is out of control and i’m lost in the chaos. i didn’t know that i could be doing as well as i am now, but i’m still so far from where i’m headed. i don’t even know where i’m headed. i know the direction, i know it’s far off, and i know it’s better than where i am now.

i don’t tell people i was molested just that one time when i was 16, what does it matter? i feel bad for even thinking about it or having flashbacks because people have been through worse, what right do i have to be upset about nearly being raped just one time by a man i hoped would become my stepfather? Maybe it was that point that i figured that men would just take what they want or that maybe i should give it to them. Except it’s not simply a thought, it’s been engraved upon me somehow as if i were branded with it. i had my first encounter at 17 when a guy followed me home and wanted to talk, so i invited him in. He attempted to seduce me while my mother was in a heavily medicated sleep from 9pm until sunrise. i became scared when he said he wanted to stick it in, because i didn’t know that was meant to happen. When he wouldn’t stop trying to remove my pants i’d told him to leave or i’d scream. i knew my mother wouldn’t wake up, but he didn’t know that. He left, i showered and got ready for school as usual, and i never saw him again. After i had given my virginity to whom i chose, i was no longer held back. When men on the street called to me i answered and when they asked if i wanted to watch them cum, i followed them and watched, but afterwards i would make my escape. i had also taken rides from unknown men when offered, but i don’t anymore, because men wanted favors or thought they could pay me.

The age of 21 is when my active obsession with men started. It actually started at 17, and i had an encounter at that age, but i did nothing actively until i was no longer a virgin. At 21 a friend who was at least 5 years older and i would go to the library and use the computers there to go to chat rooms and have sexual conversations. i went with her to meet someone she met online and we posed nude, that’s all that happened. i was about 3 months pregnant at the time. At 24 i followed a man that offered me a job, but found out he was offering prostitution and i turned it down. When he learned who my boyfriend was, he left me alone, i had no indication he was ever going to try anything, he just seemed scared. At 26 i started college and had very sexual conversations with people on the bus which they initiated somehow and i had no shame, i was just being honest. A few years later i had a computer and went online. i had a gaming messenger and was only interested in talking about games, but received some messages from guys interested in sex chat and i blocked every guy that immediately started talking that way. There was one guy that didn’t talk that way and we were friendly before he started. We messaged as friends, but also sexually, so i was drawn back in. i accepted every friend invitation that came to Skype or GTalk. i was also messaging another guy and did Skype video with him once or twice, but don’t remember what we did, although i suspect it was sexual. i did video on Skype with strangers. And did sexual rp on GTalk that often lasted up to 4 hours.

i had stopped for a long while and lived in a world apart from everyone else, i couldn’t grasp reality or even cope with it. i had found experienceproject.com where i could share stories. i shared and read stories, but i got sexual messages and did as guys wished with rp, cybersex, or watching them cum on video. Online i was drawn to anything a guy wanted to do, but had no confidence in doing any of it. i had posted stories about wanting some structure in my life so i could resemble a functioning and responsible person. So i got a few volunteers to help with that. (Skipping the first volunteer whom i was in contact with for 3 months about 2 years ago.) There were a few i tried, but they didn’t actually help and only wanted to be sexual. i had met someone whom wasn’t sexual. We had talked alot and there was nothing sexual. After days i had asked him to become my Dom. He had already known some of what i was dealing with from reading my stories. i had let Sir Dave know that i didn’t want to do those sexual things anymore, but that i couldn’t control it. On Day 2 of having Sir Dave i was already grounded from Skype because i was being manipulated there. i had meant to behave a lot longer. After about a week i had given him access to all of my social accounts. i’d been supervised previously (2 years ago) and i needed that. i tell him everything that’s going on and he trusts me because i haven’t lied, i’ve just always been happy with being honest and i can’t deal with guilt very well. Despite my honesty, Sir Dave still checks my accounts because i’m not aware of being lured into those past situations until it’s too late to avoid them. i always suspect that a guy wants something, but i make no judgments. i’m not allowed to add anyone to any account without permission and people seeking sexual interaction are blocked by him or by me. i’d been glad when he started blocking people, because when i do so it hurts my heart. i’ve slipped up a few times by being unable to stop talking to men i’m not allowed to talk to. Sometimes i get stuck in a conversation with a random guy and i love that i can let Sir Dave know that i’m on the verge of being in trouble and that he’d help me out of it. i do have the problem of feeling unable to ignore messages, but i have ignored a few of them that i felt were headed for trouble. i’m not allowed to delete any messages and that’s okay because i’m not trying to hide anything. i tell guys that Sir Dave doesn’t allow the things that they desire, i’m glad that i don’t have to make that choice, i don’t trust myself to make that choice.

The rules and guidelines he’s given me don’t just cover how to deal with other guys, but other struggles i deal with everyday. i understand everything so much better when with him, i don’t feel alone, and i don’t feel afraid. i feel capable of things i’ve never considered before and i feel more responsible. i feel from him the strength and motivation to do what i need to do and i’ve never felt that before. i feel that he has an inescapable hold on me and someone needs to have that hold, because i often don’t have the self control or the motivation. That hold is never greater than when i hear his voice and then i feel capable of anything. Why do i start to get irritable if i don’t hear his voice everyday? When he scolds me, why do i feel better instead of worse? Why do i feel so much more secure with the restrictions he’s placed upon me? He makes me feel comfortable doing the things i should have been doing, but was afraid to fail at doing. Sir Dave has said that i should always be polite to my husband and that’s difficult alot of times, but i’m happy when i finally get it right. i had never been guided before, i can’t remember ever having any guidance at all. What i have with Sir Dave is alot better than feeling invisible and now i’m sorry that i ever felt that nothing i do matters, i have fallen behind everyone else and i think that maybe i can catch up. I’m in the process of catching up. i had asked my husband to fill the very same role and i had ended up feeling lost. i’m not lost anymore and is there any reason to go back to where i was when where i am and where i’m going are so much better?

It’s not an accident that i use lowercase pronouns. i painstakingly do it on purpose. i’m allowed to talk to one other Dom. i begged for that exception because my female friend suggested i talk to her Dom. And my curiosity took over. So i talk to Sir Brian maybe once or twice a week. i hide nothing. i have always told Sir Dave about receiving an email and i have forwarded them to him as requested. Sir Brian had told me that i should be using lowercase letters and i apologized if i had insulted him. i have done so ever since. i do it everywhere now even in texts to my family. No one knows what it means, they don’t need to know. i know what it means and i’m proud to identify myself in this way.

It might be surprising to know that all of my 5 kids are by my husband and that i’ve had only 2 sex partners. This has been the best i could do with resisting situations, my very best. My husband knows only that i was molested. i’ve been told not to tell him anything more. i managed to get out of every situation safely, but now i don’t feel so lucky. i survived without guidance, i’m still here. Now i’m grateful that i have Sir Dave, i’m ready to face my fears and LIVE.

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Impulses

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