My heart aches, maybe in 3 places. First, i was pretty crazy today and rg got into trouble for her part (and maybe some behavior i don’t know about). So her Dom wasn’t happy with either of us.
i’m never happy to displease my Dom or hers. i felt guilty that i was somehow responsible, i suppose she’s right and what he said to me was just a warning. i guess i was heartbroken with that situation. Then i had to let go of a Domme whom i was emotionally attached to, because i had already quickly submitted in my heart and didn’t want to admit it. When i did admit to fighting the urge to submit (because my Dom asked about my feelings and i have to tell the truth), my Dom blocked her and he was right, but it didn’t stop my heartbreak. Then my Dom went to bed and i felt alone. i haven’t been told to go to bed in awhile because there is someone in an opposite time zone that i’ve been allowed to talk to. It had been fun. Yesterday rg got in trouble for staying up late last night and i wasn’t helpful, but i wasn’t sure if she was fully following rules again. i feel like something is missing. i feel heartbroken 3 times over. The 3rd heartbreak is that i miss having a bedtime. i don’t like going to bed, but i always felt warm when he told me to, i know it was because he cares, but now i’m not so sure. And it wouldn’t be so bad if i was still talking to that Domme, i felt comfortable and happy talking to her. Now i feel like i miss my Dom, like he’s gone in some way, but i don’t know if i should feel that way. i’m always trying to figure out how i should feel instead of just feeling what i do feel. i don’t trust my feelings or myself. Does it even matter if i stay up all night? i’m going to bed… maybe.
i was punished today, but i don’t feel like talking about it. i’m just sad… and lonely. Maybe tomorrow, okay?