My road from complete independence to submission.. imagine coasting down a smooth hill on your bike feeling the breeze on a hot day. (Doesn’t that sound nice? Well.. wake up!). i can’t speak about anyone else’s road but mine. i should call it a rollercoaster rather than a road, it twists, it turns to get around obstacles, loops backwards extremely fast and yet moves forward so slow that it needs those loops to build any speed to get anywhere. But maybe you don’t know what i’m talking about.
First see entry New Dom and Moving On, because that where the ride began. Did you read the suggested entry? i hope so, because this entry would be easier to understand and i might reference it because yet again, i have no idea where i’m going. That entry is also the beginning of my new road, because my previous roads disintregrated. i don’t know why i even called it a road, i told you it’s a rollercoaster ride. If you read the suggested entry maybe you’ll know what i mean. My ride started on a loop. Don’t ask me how you start on a loop (it’s probably impossible), i’m just telling you. It was an immediate setback, that’s what loops are. And it was a long 24 hours. i know some (most of you) didn’t read the other entry, so i’m going to say that at the beginning my previous Dom returned and that’s what caused the loop and it was a seriously long one. (if you want details, you know where to go.) It’s a slow ride because i’m resistant and i know i am, but i don’t mean to be. i don’t have a problem with authority as long as those in it aren’t telling me what to do. i don’t even take advice, because i find it insulting. So then, why am i taking this road to submission and why is it a rollercoaster ride?
Submission is actually a better method of travel for me. It’s a rollercoaster ride that actually leads somewhere. (i bet you’ve never seen one like that, have you? Well, i invented it.) You think that after going up that it goes down? Nope, only within a loop and maybe a downslope after, no fun drops into submission (because of a overly conscious mind and inner critic that won’t shut the… well… you know. i’d blame my subconscious, but it’s sub conscious (beneath my awareness) and i don’t know which side of the independence vs submission argument it’s on.). i’ll tell you about those loops in a bit, but right now i have to figure out why i’m on this ride in the first place. i have no self discipline and scarcely know what discipline is, because i haven’t had it. i have one rule which says that i do what i want as long as i’m not breaking any laws and i’ve even bent that one out of shape at times. (i jaywalk, loiter, carry recording devices into court buildings, and take secret pictures of whomever i please- so arrest me.) But i’ve never been arrested, so my Get out of jail free card from the Monopoly board game has been of no use. i’ve always been horrible at making decisions, i often can’t make a decision because i like to keep my options open and sometimes decisions are never made. i don’t pay bills until they’re due because i don’t know if an emergency will come up (one of those huge ones that would take all the money you have and make you pawn everything you own). i procrastinate and plan it out in hopes of getting things done just in time, but other than that i don’t plan because then my options aren’t very open, are they? i stopped caring about what people think and do you know what that’s got me? Quick wits that slip out of my smart mouth and i dislike not having control of them, but i laugh anyway, (i get the feeling that my Dom likes my smart mouth, but sometimes i wish he’d try to make it stop… not that i could.) Nowadays i love authority, because i feel so out of control. i used to be happy with all my chaos, but i’m less than 40 years old and have had to pluck at least a couple grey eyelashes. This just got real. Don’t mess with the eyelashes. i don’t actually need them, i’d pluck them all out to prevent further rebellion, but why cause unnecessary pain? i don’t have a sense of personal safety, because i only care about as much as other people care about me (i don’t even want to say the words “about me” because it seems too self absorbed and i feel guilty for thinking of myself.) and i haven’t felt that anyone cares. i have no sense of what is safe and see myself as a science experiment, i observe myself as well as others and i seek to understand. (For example: me passing out isn’t an emergency, it’s an experience to be studied and documented. Someone else is passing out is an emergency.) When i think about doing something that needs to be done, whether or not i want to do it is more important than almost everything else. i don’t have motivation because i think i can do nothing but fail like all those critical people have told me. It’s time to get that discipline and motivation i never had, because then everything will fall into place.
Rollercoaster loops are fun aren’t they? i’ve said that my journey is a rollercoaster ride because that’s what it feels like, except the only exciting part is those loops. Any uphill part is where i have difficulty with my submission. i try to submit, but i don’t know what goes wrong. How does someone that needs to have total control and fears losing it, give it to someone else? i’ll tell you this, i’ve already lost control. Sometimes i think that i’m independent and it could be true, but it doesn’t help me because independence makes you think you have control and that you can do it all yourself. i already know that it isn’t true, i don’t have control. That’s why i need to give it away to someone stronger than myself and that means letting go. i don’t always let go or sometimes make a bad choice and that’s the loop. A few bad decisions up and being scolded and punished brings it down. But sometimes the ride stalls and gets stuck upside down, just like me. (i stall, i don’t actually stand on my head, though. i tried standing on my head before, i fell over.) That’s when it’s all downhill for awhile. That’s the loop. The hardest part of the punishment for me is acceptance. i have to accept that i’ve done something wrong, but there have been times i didn’t understand what i did wrong. Understanding wasn’t important, though. It was important to abide by my Dom’s decision. When i went to Narcotics Anonymous meetings with my dad (although i’ve never taken drugs. i went to spend time with my father and i got to hear about his journey away from addiction.) i learned the Serenity Prayer and i took it to heart:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
(..keep coming back
it works if you live it
clean and serene
One day at a time
A basic text..)(Moving on..)
i have always tried to accept things and maybe had gained some wisdom, but i didn’t have courage. i gain courage from my Dom and when i’m scared or nervous, he gets me through it. i accept it whether i understand it or not and then i need that courage from him where he talks me through my fear. His commands make me nervous and sometimes i have the concern that i won’t obey. The Serenity prayer is no longer helpful and that’s when i think in terms of my submission.
When i’m having trouble obeying it’s important to remind myself why i chose submission. i lost trust in myself, but i have trust in my Dom. That trust comes from him getting to know me, his interest in my thoughts and feelings, and him wanting to do what’s best for me. The reasons were mentioned above, but there’s one more reason..emotion. i love feeling his dominance. When he gives a command i feel safe and warm with the occasional surge of desire and pleasure (yes, at the same time.) i love the feeling of submission. Submission feels like always being on my knees in my heart. It’s always listening for a command. It’s accepting the rules without argument because there is never any argument. It’s feeling like his possession while knowing that he sees me also as a person. i think this way. “My Dom is as he is, his decisions are as they are, and i will change as he sees fit.” It’s not absolute because my Master could change, his decisions can change, but i will always change and i’m always waiting to be told what changes to make. It’s not like any change is instant, it’s a journey, it starts with a decision and desire to make the change. i always want to make the change, sometimes it feels like i will fail before i even begin, but he is pleased by my effort to change and his recognition of my effort encourages me to keep trying even as i accept punishments along the way. A punishment isn’t a poor reflection of my effort, maybe i slipped, but i am quickly forgiven and it’s the second best feeling i’ve ever felt. The first best is being accepted with all of my flaws both physical and emotional, but not judged for my mistakes and guided to change. The 3rd best feeling is when he says that he’s proud of me and that’s the best reward ever. i said that i’m not judged for my mistakes, a punishment is not a judgment, it’s needed reinforcement. Through punishment or being scolded (which i feel counts as a punishment and is worse than a punishment) i feel that my Dom cares and that i am cared for, so i love his discipline. When i have difficulty with obedience i define submissive in my heart and i breathe through it as i think to myself “obedience” and i remember that obedience makes me happy. i keep repeating this until i’m able to stop thinking or until he says “NOW” (which is a really great thought suppressor and i forget that i was thinking in the first place) and it’s settled because i obey. It’s not obeying because i fear a punishment, it’s because of feeling his dominance and drawing on his strength and also upon the freedom of it not being my decision. When i feel dominance i feel that although he might not do so, he is willing to provide punishment and cares enough to do so. i don’t know how i could feel that from an unfamiliar Dom, but sometimes i do and he doesn’t have to mention it or make any implication, i just get a feeling from his words (which is probably why i’m not allowed to talk to other Doms). i might fear discipline sometimes, but i appreciate it. Sometimes i wonder if i deserve it, not that i did nothing wrong (i did), but discipline takes his time and effort, sometimes i feel guilty for taking up his time, but he assures me that he enjoys it (not really a comforting thought, but i appreciate his enjoyment). i feel like his happiness is greater than my own, but i am happy when i’m able to make him happy with my behavior and my obedience.
i am always honest. i slacked on honesty just a little bit because i feel as if i’m doing the same things wrong and i want to be doing better, but sometimes i feel that i failed again so i play with words. i might arrange those words in a way that makes it seem like i didn’t fail yet again. But then within a certain list of rules i’m not supposed to bend the truth. That’s a rule that really needs to be at the bottom, because at the top of my behavior report i don’t usually have anything to confess having said that wasn’t entirely true. (Like when i said i skipped lunch one time i didn’t mention that i had a jumbo sized Rice Krispy Treat, because that’s not a meal and you can see how that doesn’t belong in the meal slot.) i like to be completely honest and that leads to confessions, like right now. i confess that my bedtime was at 10pm, but i stayed up the entire night to finish this blog entry. i don’t like making excuses (unless i have a really good one). i have an excuse, but i wouldn’t say it’s a good one. i wanted to finish this entry and i feared that if i were to sleep every night i’d lose the direction i was taking with it, so i had to stay awake because i was afraid that i’d never finish it. But i really wasn’t up the entire night because i dozed off about 20 times. i felt like i was getting nowhere with this entry, but you know what i discovered? i write more fluently when i’m exhausted, i suppose that my inner critic falls asleep, so actually i should stay up all night like once a week or i should wake up like really early in the morning twice a week. You don’t know how much i’m dreading the possibility of a punishment right now. i’d say that i couldn’t resist staying up, that i was obsessed (and i was), it would have taken at least 2 more days to write this entry otherwise and i consider those pretty good reasons, but guess what? i know that i don’t get to decide. Oh and i also didn’t do my report, but i’m going to do that now before he finds out (because that always works).