i put my collar on for the first time yesterday morning and i had it on all day.
i enjoyed having it on and i didn’t care what anyone else thinks. As soon as i adjusted it to the size i wanted (14.5 inches around my 14 inch neck) it was like the door to desire had been opened (who knew there was such a door?). i felt more focused, but i had no idea how many things i had forgotten. i did my task with touching my breasts, but couldn’t tell if i enjoyed it or not because i was already getting hot. i didn’t take it off, i tried hiding it around my husband, but often forgot. My husband either didn’t notice or just didn’t say anything. i took my 4 year old up to the door of his preschool, then walked all around Walmart, then i walked to and stayed at the library all while wearing the collar. i felt no shame, i was feeling proud and confident. Then Sir Dave decided that i had to go to a place in the library where i couldn’t be seen and squeeze my nipples hard and imagine that it was him. For what i think is the first time ever i felt a desire in my breast as if touch was expected and wanted. i squeezed only that one, afterwards i felt desire in the left one, but i didn’t do it again. i felt awkward like i was misbehaving.. i mean i do follow the rules of the library, it’s the only place where rules have mattered… a sanctuary. i didn’t enjoy the task, but i enjoyed being obedient. i wondered to myself is wearing a collar going to mean that he can intrude upon my life at any time and command me to do potentially embarrasing things? Well, look… now see here… (i’ve got nothing to say). He’s my Dom, but also my Master. i’d try to do what he says, but only because of his interest in what’s best for me and my belief that he’s never been wrong. (annoying, right?) i noticed that i didn’t bite my nails while wearing it, i felt a remnant of the way i feel when on a video call with him. i felt like he was right there and that i didn’t dare bite them, i didn’t even have the urge to bite them. i thought that maybe if i wore the collar everyday i’d be cured. i was disappointed that the nail salon inside of my local Walmart had gone out of business, thus ruining my plans.
i’ve vaguely written what i felt about pets, slaves, and obedience and i feel better about all of those concepts. So i hoped i’d be doing better with following rules, but not so much. 6 days ago a friend’s Dom renounced his title for good and it has been the apocalypse (her world crashing into my world… massive earthquakes and volcanic eruptions… floods… landscapes changing forever.. you get the picture.), so yeah.. i was distracted, i didn’t sleep a couple of days, maybe forgot to eat.. do you want the whole list? Okay: i had not done my report (for the first time in 2 weeks), skipped a few meals, missed a few exercise days, forgot to check homework, had trouble not talking to other people while my Dom was online, had been biting my nails, was not always polite to my husband, missed bedtimes, and was not always respectful of my Dom’s time. (The last one was my own addition due to guilt from becoming suddenly busy while messaging with him and not informing him.) i got the punishment for all of that yesterday and considering the offenses it was light, but he understood that i’d been distracted (with the apocalypse) and lost my focus entirely. i’ll write about the punishment at the end of this entry because i know that some of you are nosy, for the non nosy people… (probably none of you) let’s continue. See next paragraph. ↓
It doesn’t bother me if people see me with a collar on. i wouldn’t want to say it’s a dog collar (it’s a dog collar), that’s degrading. i’d call it a pet collar and if my husband says anything i’d pretend it’s a fashion statement (and i’m just weird, no one disputes this). i wore it all day yesterday and wasn’t bothered in the slightest, i don’t even think anyone noticed. A friend cautioned me on wearing it openly, but it really hadn’t occurred to me that anyone might take an interest and i don’t know what would happen if they did. i want to say that i’d reject them, but i’ve been in situations before and i wasn’t able to reject them or think or do anything other than what a guy suggested. They only suggested that i watch them cum, but i don’t know what would happen if they suggested something more. Today i wore my collar, but more discreetly. i had a turtleneck sweater and i was able to fold it down to conceal it. With a collar on i feel proud because i love that my Sir would want to own me and i wanted that. i know that he said that he does anyway, but i didn’t feel it until i had put that collar on. He managed to scare me at first by telling me what a collar means. But who am i to deny what i want? (Don’t answer that.) i do deny what i want in favor of what he wants, because what he wants is actually better for me (and i do not like recognizing that at all. lol. Shhh… i’ve got about an ounce of defiance somewhere.. don’t tell.) With a collar i feel more confident because i felt that he was with me in some way (hence not biting my nails). All my confidence goes out the window when on video with him, but otherwise i’ve got a confidence with him that i hadn’t ever had before and it increased with the collar on. You’d think i’d feel less confident, but i’m glad of being who i am and i finally know who that is. i’m a submissive and it makes me happy to submit to Sir Dave on a deeper level than i ever would otherwise.
2 entries ago i promised to tell what my favorite game was in the next entry. As i said, i was distracted and i regret not having made any entries (during the beginning of said apocalypse). i couldn’t get my thoughts and feelings on the same wave length. So my favorite game to play all by myself has only one game piece, a toothbrush or just about any object (i prefer a toothbrush). i stick the handle of it into my (thinking of what to call it… i’ll go with..) vagina. (My previous Dom insisted i say “pussy” and i’m choosing not to at the moment.) i insert it as far as is comfortable and then use my vaginal muscles to push it back out and i keep doing that for maybe 5 minutes before i stop playing. i’ve been playing that game since i was 12 and i’m not bored of it yet. i’m not going to tell how i discovered i could do that. If you want me to tell you, you’ll have to ask nicely. 🙂
i said i would describe the punishment for the nosy people, so this is what it was. i had to use clothespins on my nipples for about a minute. They were painful, but not yet unbearable. i didn’t want it to stop after that 1 minute (but don’t tell him that, he’ll make it longer. For some reason i always aim for the shortest punishment possible, even if that’s not what i want). i was becoming wetter and feared i’d soon leak onto the floor. i had to get 40 strokes on each side of my butt with my belt and it was difficult to finish. i used to always have a break after 25 (but that was with my first Dom, i’m not sure Sir Dave realizes this). Then i had to strike my clit 7 times with the hairbrush and that was the most difficult of all. i really don’t like pain there. Then today i was scolded over the phone. i always feel in so much more trouble while being scolded over the phone than during punishment or any other time.
i’d say that this covers the assignment i was given 2 days ago, but i’ll let Sir Dave decide because i didn’t write this with that assignment in mind. i was supposed to write about something that makes me happy because my last entry was pretty sad. Well, a collar makes me happy. And i’m working on another blog entry that would cover that as well. When i think about what makes me happy, i’ve already started writing about that and all i’d end up doing is writing about it again. Writing about a feeling is the most scary thing to write about, you know that i add feelings, but i’m not sure how to write with a feeling in mind. Write “happy” in the middle of a page and brainstorm? It’s not going to work for me, because i often can’t identify feelings. Anyway, i will soon be writing about how to be submissive (actually it will be how i am submissive, because i don’t claim to be an expert on anything.).