Breaking Point (The Apocalypse)

3-22-15
i know that i haven’t blogged in days, i’ve been emotionally occupied and anything i would have written would have been hollow. When you are hurting emotionally or even physically and people offer advice… i’m going to tell you… it’s infuriating, sometimes even insulting. Do they think that you are so incapable of thought that you couldn’t think of that yourself?

i know that i don’t want any advice unless i’ve asked for it or unless the person is in the same position i’m in. Some people keep leaving advice on the stories of an online friend that i have. i find myself wanting to yell at them to keep their advice to themselves, because it would be difficult to be any more unhelpful. i wanted to say that she doesn’t need to hear any of that **** right now. Though i didn’t know if i should speak for her. It’s hard for me to know what to do.

i used to have a feeling personality as a child. i imagine i must have been an INFP (mediator). i accepted and trusted everyone unless i had reason not to. i believed that everyone was good in some way and everyone has value. i gave everyone the benefit of the doubt. i was constantly thinking, but I made decisions based on my emotions. i felt that my reason for existing was to serve and to help others, I wanted to feel needed. I often cried, my sister called me “Crybaby”. My grandmother told me that people that picked on me were jealous and to not feel bad. My mother told everyone that her voices were plotting to kill us and when i laughed at her voices i was scowled at. From all the serious faces i could only assume that it was true, we were all going to die by way of voices. No one bothered to explain. i stopped feeling emotion when I was about 10 because i decided that I was never going to cry again, but my purpose in life was still to help and to serve, I didn’t exist except for those reasons. When i was 12 i found out about global warming and decided that if my mother’s voices didn’t turn into people and kill us, then global warming would surely kill us all and that’s when i gave up. i had been betrayed repeatedly and had nothing to show for my belief in people but disappointment. Upon my last major betrayal at the age of 14 i was done with feeling and done with trusting. It was difficult to get counseling when i kept getting asked how I felt and i had no answer. No one was ever going to hurt or disappoint me again. And then I was molested at 16 and i had disappointed myself, because others could no longer disappoint me.

By the age of 15 i had turned entirely analytical. As an INTP serving and helping is no longer my purpose. My purpose is to absorb and understand everything, i’m ruled by curiousity and logic. i haven’t known what i feel. Others have thought me to be cold, uncaring, and snobbish. But I had ceased caring what people think. i formerly didn’t have slips of the mouth, but now i make about one smart remark a day which may leave someone feeling less than smart. i used to spare people’s feelings at all costs, but now it’s everyone for themselves. My curiousity leads me to be compulsive and it wins over logic, because logically speaking, experiencing something is better for my research. Yelling people no longer hurt my feelings, i feel like grabbing a bag of popcorn and watching the show of anger, it’s like a 3Dmovie. i analyze where the emotion came from and why they are controlled by it as i try not to appear entertained or amused. If i’ve made someone angry, i’ve won and i don’t even know what game we were playing. There’s nothing wrong with winning, though. I don’t understand small talk, cliche’s, or social graces. i take everything literally because i don’t have time to figure people out in the midst of a conversation. People don’t want to allow time for thinking and so i gave that up. When what they say doesn’t make sense i repeat it the way they said it, but in the form of a question. People tell performers to” go break a leg”. i would respond, “so you want me to break a leg?” in a confused tone. The good thing about taking things literally is that it couldn’t possibly be my fault if I misunderstand and i can prove it by quoting exactly what was said to me. (And i do remember exactly what was said.) People that try to jump out and scare me are disappointed, because I don’t jump or scream and they can’t see my heart beating faster. i show no emotion and it’s the funniest thing when people stare at me confused because i didn’t react to what they did or said. i stare back at them until i get bored and then start ignoring them until they interest me.

Now i’m in the situation where a few people have made it past my defenses into my inner circle reserved for just me. The very last dom that I had wasn’t on the inside because he’d hurt me by using guilt against me, but i have never been motivated by guilt. i’d never had any friends i let in, so I didn’t expect this at all. My INTP personality is for my protection and that’s what everyone else sees except when i write. I was full INTP except when writing. i didn’t know that i’m still INFP on the inside, so in the midst of chaos or when challenged by people i’ve let in, i found out i can be either one. An INTP would never be paralyzed with fear or run and hide, things like that come from feeling. i’ve been drawn inside because i let some people in and i like being inside where the feelings are. i’ve been through a full range of thoughts and a full range of feelings (minus anger) all at the same time. When i feel too intensely or write something deep i go into emotional shutdown for awhile and then i feel desperate to feel again. If it wasn’t for Sir Dave i know that i can remain emotionless for days. i haven’t known whether to think or feel. i haven’t known whether to help or listen, but i am good at getting along without a plan, it’s called improvising.

So what i’ve figured out is that all i can do is be there, well Sir Dave helped. i don’t regret my struggle, but I do regret hers. It’s a difficult situation. i’ve been through it, but not having the rug suddenly pulled out from under me like she has. Yet she seems stronger than i was. i hope that things work out, but realistically i’m wondering where that breaking point is. Have we already hit it or is it still lurking somewhere ahead? i don’t like surprises, i always pre think about anything that can happen and have some possible solutions lined up or i harden my heart for the impact. A surprise can’t be planned for, if you have a plan for it then it wasn’t a surprise. Recently i have felt that the worst emotion to have is none at all. i’ve had a good time feeling, but if i lose everyone in my inner circle i will feel nothing again. i want my friend to do what she needs to do, even if she needs to leave the internet, but she’s not allowed to fall apart or die. If she does i will find out, because i now have extrasensory emotions.

Breaking Point (The Apocalypse)

One thought on “Breaking Point (The Apocalypse)

  1. very well written but sad also, we all have defense mechanisms that we built up over the years. Like you, I have always had a desire to help people and I get happy to know I have made some ones life easier even if it is just for one day

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