An Effect of Touch (Assignment)

3-17-15
i have never liked to be touched. My mother only hugged her boyfriends and my father was absent for 10 years.

When i was 16 my father figure, one of the 2 men i hoped would become my father molested me. i won’t go into details because i’ve written about it before. His hands were all over my breasts. When it had ended i forgot about it for almost an exact year, the upcoming anniversary of that event was a trigger. i couldn’t understand the nightmares and flashbacks about hands being all over me. After days of the same nightmare and the same flashback i remembered. i sometimes still get that flashback when touched. Sometimes when someone even touches my back i jerk away because i forget for that split second that i’m not in that situation anymore. i never told anyone that, because i didn’t want to offend anyone that touched or brushed against me. i’m not dwelling on it, it comes in flashes. My husband used to touch my breasts, lick them, and suck them but i didn’t enjoy it. He always wanted me to enjoy it, but i couldn’t. Even when i had a small good sensation i couldn’t enjoy it. Sometimes i had a flashback, sometimes not, sometimes i merely remembered being molested and unable to escape. My husband stopped trying to touch me there. Sometimes when i undress for sexual activity i don’t even take my bra off. There have been times that i have considered showering with a bra on, but i have never done that. In the shower i enjoy that my hands aren’t actually touching them, that i use a washcloth. i have washed them with my hands before, but not for pleasure. Sometimes i created a lather on my hands and washed them that way, but i don’t have a reason for it. When i was molested i remember running off to my grandmother’s house and immediately showering at her house and i scrubbed myself, the fingerprints that no one can see, the memory of being fondled and held down onto the bed, the shame of thinking that it was my fault. My breasts have been safe from touch for years except for recently. My Dom had wanted me to touch them, when i told him i didn’t like to be touched there he wanted to know why and i told him that it was because i was molested. He said that it was time i get over it, but i’m over it just as long as i’m not touched there. He said that he wanted me to touch them, he ordered me to and i did, i felt it, it’s not like they’re numb, but i didn’t feel anything good from it. i felt uncomfortable with the touch and the entire idea of it, i didn’t want to do it again. For the first time i wanted to stop talking to him and go to bed so that i could escape the situation. But it would be no escape because he’d told me that i could caress them in bed. When i went to bed i did that for a few seconds, but just mentally and i was happy to go to sleep. When i woke up i was feeling fine at first and i carried on with morning activities, but i didn’t go online as i had been doing. My friend had been offline all of the previous day and my excuse was that i wanted to see if i could stay offline too. After 3 hours of that, i decided that i really just didn’t want to go online, i didn’t want to face the situation i had dealt with the previous night. At about 10am i had logged on. i just wanted to post a quick status and log off, but my Dom was online and i had to answer him. He’d told me that my friend’s Dom had posted a story and that he wanted me to read it and send him my comments to his email. It was a good story about how a Dom cares for his sub and how a sub might react. i commented on it to ask what might be done in a situation where a sub might not be ready to work through an issue (hypothetically), there has been no response. Sir Dave decided to catch on and he asked me what i meant. i told him that i mean hypothetically. He said that he knows me better than that and i was talking about myself. i said that he’d caught me and i meant that i wasn’t ready to deal with alot of touching to my breasts, but that i didn’t want him to think that i couldn’t handle it and that i wanted to get over it. i have trouble envisioning that touching them will ever feel good. He said nothing more about it until a couple days later. He asked if i’d been touching them, but i didn’t know that was still a thing. He told me to touch them and when i hesitated he said so firmly and i did so much faster than i would have. When he asked i told him that i didn’t like it because i didn’t feel anything from it, nothing. Then he had me squeeze my nipples hard and when i’d hesitated he told me firmly. i really didn’t want to and so he told me again and when i did so i was surprised because it hurt, but it felt good. That shock had gone from my breasts to my sex. He asked how it felt and i said that it had hurt. But seconds later i said it felt good. He asked if i wanted to do it again and i said NO. When he asked why i said that it had hurt. i know that doesn’t make much sense, it doesn’t make sense to me either. i didn’t enjoy any of the caressing or gentleness, but the pain felt good. What does that mean? He asked if i felt any more comfortable with touching them and i said “a little”. It was because i felt encouraged that i felt something. What i felt confused me, but i felt it. Now he thinks that i enjoy the rubberbands, but i don’t enjoy them. i suppose that i don’t actually hate them, i definitely don’t like having to touch my breasts to use them. My husband used to think that i was a masochist, i used to like a few things that i don’t want anyone to know about, but i’m over that part of the coping stage. At least i think it was a way of coping. Now i’m supposed to touch my breasts everyday and i figured that i could endure that for 15 to 30 seconds, but i asked him how long and he said 5 minutes. i’ve been doing the exercise and it’s not horrible, but i still have trouble feeling anything unless i squeeze the nipples and that’s disturbing, i don’t want to enjoy pain. i feel even the slightest touch, but nothing else feels good. i’m working through this and i want to, but i’m not sure it can work. i have hope that one day i can feel comfortable sleeping without a bra on. i hope that i can feel comfortable with them being looked at or touched. i hope that i can feel sensations from touch that is gentle instead of painful. i want to work on my touch issues and part of me wants to run away, i’m working through this anyway with my Dom.

… To Be Updated with progress

An Effect of Touch (Assignment)

3 thoughts on “An Effect of Touch (Assignment)

  1. raregem44 says:

    sis, it is so brave of you to share all of this. raregem had a thought (which could be wrong) that one of the reasons it is difficult for you to caress your breasts in a seemingly loving manner is because that man that was inappropriate ”tried” to touch you in that way, only with him it was dirty and lustful (on HIS part, not yours!) he was trying to stimulate you, and he was 100% wrong to do that!

    You wasn’t ready for that kind of touch and he used your body for his selfish pleasure.

    Now, when your Dom (whom you know cares about you) had you pinch them, the feeling of pain was different than what that man did. ((if you are like raregem, you might have pictured your Dom doing the pinching, and you could draw upon HIS strength and dominance…. which we both know is quite sexually stimulating….))

    raregem doesn’t know if she’s right, it is just what she thought of when reading this.

    sis, raregem doesn’t know if you will ever get past this particular hurdle in your life… BUT she wants you to be completely aware of something………. You DIDN’T run away!!!!

    In the past you would have found your rock and hid…. you did go through a struggle and thought about getting out of an uncomfortable situation, but you didn’t!

    Don’t you see the growth in you? Wow sis! raregem sees it and couldn’t be prouder to call you her sister!!!!!

    Be proud of all the steps you are taking and celebrate them victories. You’ve done good. 🙂

    1. Thank you, rare. you’re right about the not running away part. rose has been feeling numb, disillusioned, and is screaming inside but she hasn’t run. she thinks you’re right about everything you’ve said. she wishes her therapist would have such helpful ideas, but rose is always left where she is and goes nowhere. she is determined to work on it, though. Yesterday she felt a slight tingle with the gentle caressing. No one has ever suggested overcoming it before. This is her brave face. 🙂

  2. raregem44 says:

    raregem likes your brave face…. it has the illusion of being a smile….lol

    You are doing wonderfully sis! 😀

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