The Struggle Ahead

3-16-15
i’ve got a can of the nerves right now. It’s like shaking a can of soda, that’s my nerves. i have been on my best behavior since my last punishment on Thursday. (i know i didn’t write about it, i’ll just tack it onto this post. Is that okay with you?)

My reports and assignments have been on time for the past 5 days, i have been amazing at keeping up. Just Saturday i had finished an assignment that morning and was immediately given 2 more essays to clarify what was in my post “Impulses”, so the post “My Obedience and Submission” covers my problem with being obedient. There’s another one about my problem with being touched that hasn’t yet been approved by my Dom, it’s called “An Effect of Touch”. But now i’m in trouble. i knew that i was possibly in trouble on Saturday, but now it is certain.

i was punished last Monday and Thursday. (i don’t remember why, but i could check my behavior reports and tell you if you really want to know.) When i was told to write about my punishments in my behavior reports, i stopped writing about them. That’s something that needs to change, but i don’t know what to do about it. i was thinking about posting my behavior reports, so tell me what you think about that. Otherwise i’ll have to stop writing in moderate detail on my behavior reports so that i can write in great detail like i used to. It feels redundant to write it twice.

So we’ve come to the part about my nerves. i think i’m in trouble… i mean i’m obviously in trouble. i was told that i am. Saturday i did eat, but not very much and Sir Dave was debating about whether to punish me for that. He wanted to know why i hadn’t eaten, i said that i forgot and that was the truth at that moment. He asked if a spanking would help, i said that i don’t know because i didn’t want to say yes. And this is where behavior reports are bad, because i have to report on how well i’ve done with every rule. But on the answering every question honestly i had to write that i thought that it might help. i further thought about why i hadn’t eaten and i recalled thinking about eating a few times, i was even a little bit hungry and maybe i felt my blood sugar dropping (from hypoglycemia), but i wasn’t very interested in eating. i didn’t have anyone to remind me and i was content to do nothing. i wasn’t in the mood to eat. i really missed my Dom, which should have prompted me to eat, but i just didn’t feel like it. i took 2 vitamins and i’m telling you that should count as food, it’s good and nutritious and was washed down with vitamin C enriched juice and i had a package of peanut butter crackers, that was breakfast. i skipped lunch, which really i ate lunch at 5pm. That had to be lunch because i ate dinner at 9. So i wasn’t starving, i’m usually never even hungry. i’m supposed to eat every 4 hours to manage my hypoglycemia, which amounts to 4 meals a day, but who listens to doctors? i figure i’ll eat twice a day and manage the low blood sugar when it hits. No big deal, my doctor doesn’t even seem concerned and that’s about as concerned as i feel. i’m more concerned about the punishment, actually.

So yesterday i also got into trouble for talking to 2 other Doms. To one of them i just commented on his story asking why he released his sub. And the other was messaging me. Both exchanges were entirely innocent. Well, one of them was, but not the one you’d expect. i’m going to tell you, because i just like being honest. i’m possibly getting into more trouble here, but i know you’d want to know. And you know i omit nothing anyway. The messages were totally innocent, i answered because i didn’t know i shouldn’t and because i felt honored when he asked “Are you a sub”. i love being a sub. Okay here’s the conversation:

Him: Hi
Me: Hi
Him: Are you a sub?
Me: Yes, Sir. Why? (i had my suspicions, but i had to answer that question.)
Him: I need one. Are you still available?
Me: No, Sir. i was looking desperately about a month ago. i’m settled now. (i was saying that he should have caught me a month ago… too late. i felt sorry for him, because i felt empty without a Dom.)
Him: K. Do you have Kik?
Me: My guidelines from my Dom include not adding anyone to anywhere without permission. i said that i’m settled, Sir.
Him: That’s okay, so does he train you well?
Me: Yes, Sir. i think it’s going well. i blog about my journey into submission almost daily.
Him: Can i see one?
Me: i post at http://www.sweetindiscretion.wordpress.com
Him: Do you have photos as well?
Me: There are public pictures on EP, Sir.
Him: I can’t see them. I’m on the app.
Me: i’m sorry, there’s nothing i can do. i’m not allowed to send any pictures. (So i got a phone call from my Dom asking why i was talking to other Doms. My husband was sitting right next to me, but i had to take it right where i was. i said that i didn’t recall any such conversations. (i can’t talk about it right now), then he basically had to go.)
Me: And i was supposed to say that i’m not allowed to talk to any other doms
(so much much later.. hours later he said..)
Him: Bad sluty sub (i’m no longer protecting his spelling mistakes)

Now i wanted to say that i hadn’t said a single sexual thing to him, but i’m not allowed to say anything. i told myself “Not one word” and i’m ignoring it while it sits there staring me in the face because i’m not allowed to delete any messages. i’m trying to do as i’m supposed to, i’m always trying, although i’m not very good at eating.

That is exactly what was said and that was innocent. i had no interest in him, but i was sorry that he didn’t have a sub. That’s my weakness right there. i want everyone to have what they need and if i could provide it, i would like to. But it was innocent and i wouldn’t say that i resisted, because i just wasn’t going. i felt for him, but i wasn’t going. The other Dom had a story about releasing his sub. i read his story 3 or 4 times, but i didn’t get why he had released her and so i asked. He quickly answered and it started a conversation. i felt like he was setting bait for me and it was tempting. i was tempted, but i didn’t take it. Here’s the bait, he said,

“…is it online or in person? …and although it’s unethical to encroach on another Dom’s territory, and I am NOT, if you know a sub that may be interested, I still am looking, though i prefer a physical sub, with the right woman I may consider an online relationship. it’s as much about her “need” to serve as it is mine to dominate, guide and protect her, mentally and physically… and of course that includes discipline, fair punishment for the infraction of course…. but also gentle. I expect my sub to hurt worse from disappointing me than a spanking does… but i do spank. Sometimes words can destroy, so they must be wielded with precision, just as a flogging would. The sub that volunteers her submission is the strongest of all women, in my humble opinion, and a man that takes advantage of her submission and does not appreciate her, is a coward.”

i am so not interested (don’t mind the drool. ewww. *wipes mouth*) i had said

“it’s just online, Sir, which is a bit of a disappointment for me, because i’d love to meet him. You sound like a great Dom, Sir. (not a statement of interest) i… subs would live for everything you mentioned, but i don’t currently have anyone in mind. My Dom takes great care of me.” Now see how i started weak and ended strong? That’s because my Dom is my strength and i didn’t have it at first, but i found it. i was tempted, but i recovered.

So that’s what happened. i’m always listening for the added guidelines and the only one i can possibly take from this is that i’m not supposed to speak a word to another Dom. And have you forgotten who you are talking to? Did you read my post called “Impulses”? Was i not clear? Okay, i’m going to say it in the context of this situation. #1. for the comfort of my curiousity i must read all of my messages obsessively. #2 i must respond to all messages compulsively. #3 i cannot stop responding to messages or the world will implode (or something terrible). There are some conversations that i’d like to get out of right at this very moment, but i’m stuck. So it has occurred to me that i will be having a very difficult time because what i can’t control on the street translates differently when online. i regret it, i really do and i’m sorry, but… (i’m not going to finish this sentence.) So should i get a punishment? i take comfort in that not being my decision. i abide by my Dom’s decisions and appreciate his mercy. (insert flattering comment here. remind me, okay?) You know i don’t like the idea of “obedience” and training if you read the post titled “Impulses”, but i wanted the discipline to stop doing certain things and to do certain other things, so in the process i’m accepting other things. Sir Dave is currently the only person on Earth that gets away with telling me what to do (and Sir Brian, my friend’s Dom, has helped redirect my future behavior.) i have never been obedient, but i am agreeable and i can draw from and expand upon that. And i am fine with agreeing to disagree, it’s just that disagreeing at this point may not be in my best interests. i do try to keep my promises and if you remember.. i promised that i’d never disobey a reasonable direct order from him again. (i added that word “reasonable”, it’s automatically implied even if i didn’t say it.)And so if we take these 2 punishments and add a weekly reminder spanking to that… i didn’t want to mention that, because maybe he forgot. (i’m perfectly happy that this is hidden in the middle of a paragraph.) i feel that if i’m in trouble, then the reminder spanking should not be administered, but that’s just what i think. Previously i’d write an apology and hope to get out of punishment, but i don’t do that anymore. If i were to do that for every time it would seem insincere and you know that i’m not insincere. i’m also not desperate anymore. i’m not all that interested in getting out of things like i was, i’m only slightly interested and would take any chance i get. i’m still my own lawyer and i say take the plea deal, but usually i just plead guilty and apologize. i’m a horrible lawyer, probably because i can’t lie. i had managed to get out of a few things, but it was due to my Dom’s mercy and not due to my any of my attempts at reasoning with him. It just never works. i had some pretty good attempts, though.

Here’s where i’m arguing with myself about whether i should say what i really don’t want to say. i’m not in this for the punishment or anything sexual. i just want to do better and i know i do alot of things wrong, so i need the correction. But i also know that i get irritable if i don’t get a spanking in awhile. i don’t know how people let go of emotions, i can’t let go of them. The good emotions fade away, but the negative emotions build one upon the other and if it ever falls over… chaos ensues. And that’s all i’m going to say, because i feel i’ve said too much. 😀

Thursday’s punishment, copied from my behavior report, but edited to add more details for the purpose of understanding (only because i promised):

i was in trouble for staying up all night on Tuesday and being late yet again with my behavior report for yesterday. (i have not been late with an assignment or report since) i had to put on the rubberbands and then administer 45 strokes on one side before taking them off. Then had to do 45 on the other side. it hurt more than usual because i was trying to finish faster. Then i was told to cum and i didn’t resist, this had surprised Sir Dave because i usually do resist, but i wanted to more than usual. It’s not actually that i don’t want to, i just maybe wish i was invisible to cameras like a vampire or something. i had really wanted a shower because of being so wet that it was visible, which is unusual. i used a pen inside and stroked my clit. i thought about him saying that i would be severely punished if i were to go with any men and i thought about him filling every hole. Is it lying if i’m not ready to share what else? Later i was punished to relieve my guilt for disrespecting Sir Brian, i received 5 strokes with a hairbrush upon my clit. (The disrespect was unintentional and i had apologized, but i couldn’t get over the guilt. Then Sir Dave told me not to feel guilty because i apologized and i felt a little less guilty, but then i also felt guilty for feeling guilty when i was told to stop. i wanted to stop but i couldn’t and i thought that maybe i needed a punishment, but i didn’t want to ask. So i was happy when Sir Dave suggested it and i was completely on board with a punishment for the first time ever. When he told me what the punishment would be i was about to protest, but he said it would only be 5 and since i thought it would be far less trouble than a spanking, i let go and accepted it. i hadn’t resisted at all and maybe that’s why i felt the best i had felt in a very long time.) i was very happy with being released from the guilt. Then i was used, but didn’t want to cum again. i feel bad that it takes me so long to cum, so sometimes i don’t want to. it’s impossible to know how many times i orgasmed, i wasn’t counting. Sticking 2 fingers in was uncomfortable, because i am tight there, but i eventually adjusted. Next time i’ll tell you my favorite sexual game.

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The Struggle Ahead

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