i have problems with authority, i always have. i’ve said this before. i didn’t follow any rules and i didn’t obey anyone, i didn’t care who it was. Yet i was pleasant and agreeable as i secretly did as i pleased. i was considered a teacher’s pet even though i didn’t ever suck up. i showed respect as long as i was left alone to do whatever i liked.
Everytime i think of the word “obedience” i think of pets and obedience training or worse… slaves. i’ve been poorly treated by Masters who would apparently think that i’m not supposed to have any other thought in my head other than what pleases them. That’s why i can’t be a slave, because i have too many other thoughts. It’s not that i hadn’t considered it or fantasized about it, i just couldn’t do it and i’m not going to do it. i have more to think about than just myself, like 5 kids in the house, i can’t afford to be mindless or follow meaningless commands. And anyone with trouble controlling smart remarks (like i have) should pretty much be disqualified from being a slave. And then i have bad thoughts about pets, i imagine them sitting happily on the floor and being petted, maybe commanded to perform in some way. i like pets, but i wouldn’t enjoy being one very much (maybe just a little), but i have performance anxiety and i envy that they can perform while i would just freeze up. i would fear being a pet, they can be put out in the cold or maybe abandoned, i imagine maybe not being allowed on the furniture and alot of other restrictions, i really don’t know much about the benefits. i could never be a pet or slave and it’s not because i really see anything wrong with it, it’s just that i feel both are beyond my abilities. A submissive is all that i can be, but i have issues with obedience. i struggle with it everyday. When i’m told to do something i don’t want to do, i exhale and think to myself that one word, “obedience.” i’ve done that at least 8 times yesterday. i even manage to insult myself if i think anything more, so i don’t. Obedience isn’t a rule, it’s one of those guidelines in the invisible book of guidelines and there are more of those than rules. i’m trying to become comfortable with the word “obedience” (because the very word insults me) or maybe i’ll use a new word that isn’t commonly in use for pets and slaves.. compliance. No, (sounds like a robot) maybe subordinance, but that sounds like a job. Is being a submissive a job? It’s more like a desire. And i obey more often because i like when i’m told that he’s proud of me. i archived the emails from Sir Dave except for one, he replied to my behavior report only twice. The first time was to have me modify it and the 2nd time was to say that it was a good report and that he’s proud of me, i see that one everyday and it’s special to me, so i needed to keep it there. When he says that he’s proud of me then all of my struggles become worth it. i don’t ever need any more reward than that. Well… maybe a smile from him, i’d love that. Since i don’t like the word “obedience” maybe submission or submit are better words, i love the word “submission”, it feels natural and i could never be insulted by it again. i say again, because i once was. When i first realized that i enjoyed submission i was insulted, because that’s not something that’s accepted in society. One does not submit, it’s weak and and dependent. After 2 years and having tried to deny it, i’d rather just accept it and stop fighting it. i need to submit every day of my life or i’m not complete or happy and if submit means to obey, then i don’t have much issue with that other than the habit or tendency to do as i please.
As insulted as i’ve been with the thought of obedience, it might seem strange that i’d consider it an honor to have a collar or… is it called a choker? i have always enjoyed the thought of being owned even before i knew i was submissive. i have always wanted that more than anything, to be protected, selfishly owned, cared for, and held. i’d always said that i wanted someone that would hold me and never let me go, but i wasn’t thinking the same way i am now. i had said that i liked to be held by my waist because it made me feel owned and my Dom asked if a collar would do the same thing, that’s the first time i thought about it and i still don’t know the answer. i’d never let anyone collar me, but i’d like to be “owned” by Sir Dave and i don’t feel ashamed of that. i’d like to wear it all the time and i don’t care what anyone thinks. i think maybe i’d like something of my own to identify myself, even if no one else knows what it means and i’d just smile at anyone that asks, but i don’t have a reponse. My Dom said that if i have a collar that would make him my Master and i thought “all the time?” i sort of have a problem with that even though i often call him my Master. Sometimes the reason i do that is because people don’t know what Dom means and i don’t want to explain it to every person i will probably never talk to again. It’s not that he isn’t, sometimes he is or i need him to be and i don’t know when that is. i call him by many titles my Dom, my Mentor, my Sir, my Master. He is all of those, but sometimes i fear the thought of a Master. Sometimes i have more difficulty with obedience than usual and i need to let go of all those choices, they sometimes just confuse me. i love having choices or i thought i did, but i’ve never been good at deciding. i have never had a problem with his decisions, sometimes i resist and i have felt that i can’t help that, but it’s always been dealt with and i’ve never felt bad about that. i do want Sir Dave to be happy with me and i want to show my appreciation to him, but i can’t move past my own insecurities. It’s so much easier if he tells me what to do. i had promised myself that i would never disobey a direct order from him again and i meant that. i promised that on our first day when my former Dom came back and Sir Dave kept ordering me to get rid of him or stop talking to him and block him. i always regretted that, but not because of the punishment. At this moment i don’t even know why i’ve wanted to obey him so much. i’m much more secure now and don’t drop into depression or put myself down everytime he’s offline all day, i know now what he thinks about me and that is a guideline, i’m understanding alot of guidelines and i immediately recognize and try to remember them. i know that i want to do whatever Sir Dave says, the desire is there, but i’m not sure i’m obedient enough. i appreciate that Sir Dave said that he wouldn’t let me have a collar until i’m sure. Maybe i’m not ready for a collar, i don’t think i’ll ever be ready for one, but i really want one. How can i ever be worthy of a collar if the word “Sir” keeps getting stuck in my head, it doesn’t even make it to my throat unless i sense the possibility of trouble. In my own eyes, i know that i would never be worthy of a collar.