This is Real (Assignment)

3-14-15
i was told to write an essay about my friend’s essay. i only do this because it’s an assignment. This is the first situation in my life in which there have ever been punishments for not doing assignments. It’s hard to write a response to her essay because i agree with it and see nothing to dispute, so i guess i’ll just be nodding my head in silence. If i have typos please let me know as i occasionally type with my eyes closed during some tired or thoughtful moments.

i agree that online D/S relationships are real. It feels real enough to me. There are rules and there are guidelines. In the event that my Dom isn’t available i have the guidelines so that i can make the best decision i can. i make the choice and accept the consequence if i’m wrong. The guidelines are growing and i am learning to make better decisions. i wasn’t aware i could be punished for not following a guideline, but i can be. It means i was that word “insubordinate” and also likely means that my choice was incorrect. i may stall or try to get out of it, but i live for his correction. And i love his guidelines. Who doesn’t like getting the right answers on a test? The guidelines are written down nowhere, i just rely on memory. They are like programming instructions, because they are If, Then, And, Or statements that tell me how to behave in certain situations. As the guidelines grow i feel more of my Dom’s presence. The only real problem with him not being available is with missing him, because any good day in which i couldn’t talk to him doesn’t feel like such a good day and any bad day in which i talk to him is a better day. Everytime my phone rings and nearly every message i receive, i hope it’s him and i’m glad that other people can’t read my mind, because they would detect my disappointment.

i met my Dom, Sir Dave on EP during a time in which i was unfulfilled. i was trying to give my Dom at that time a fair chance, but on my dominance detection meter he registered a zero. i valued talking to him for hours every single day, so how could he expect me to go from talking to him for 4-6 hours straight to not hearing from him for 3 days? The perception is that my former Dom was offline and i immediately picked up someone else, but i had actually talked to Sir Dave in messages and upon my story comments 4 days before my Dom’s second disappearance. i had asked him things about his role as Dom and things he expected, but i wasn’t going to ask him at first. i wanted to, but he said he had a sub and i’d just been through a rejection. i got a hint that made me think that he was interested in having me. i’m terrible at reading people, but i thought that was a pretty big hint. When i’d said that no one was interested in knowing me, he had said that if he wasn’t interested he wouldn’t be there. i enjoyed talking to Sir Dave and everything he said made sense. Don’t mistake me for being disloyal, i had no Dom, i had a treasured friend when i asked Sir Dave to be my Dom. He wasn’t the first Dom i asked, but i’m glad he was the one that said yes. i was in trouble that same day, but that’s another story. It’s just asking alot to have to submit to a punishment on day 2. Sir Dave said that he wanted me because i’m real, a real submissive. i don’t really know what that means, i guess it’s that i don’t think it’s about bedroom activities and i’m not looking for endless punishments, i’m looking to break some bad habits and become better than i am. After my former Dom returned and wanted me back (the entire reason i was in trouble), i had to block him from Skype. i had 2 Doms for a day and i was very confused, but i chose Sir Dave and accepted his punishment for talking to my former Dom. i felt he should have let that one slide because i was only saying goodbye properly, but i suppose that it shouldn’t have taken more then 12 straight hours and absolutely no sleep. i was punished again when that same Dom had contacted me on Facebook and i again failed to get rid of him, it was hard to tell Sir Dave because i’d already been told not to talk to him and i feared that the punishment was going to be severe (and it was, but not as bad as i thought).

At the start Sir Dave knew how much i missed my very first Dom from 2 years prior. He struggled with whether to treat me as he did and i struggled with it as well, because i wasn’t sure i wanted that. There are some specific things i miss about my first Dom like how he said my name or how he typed nothing but my name in a message and i felt that i could hear him. i miss how i cringed and sort of panicked when he came online, because i’d something again or had some close calls. i miss how he scolded me during punishments and the pop quizzes (that i usually failed at least twice). i don’t really miss how he asked if i had learned my lesson, because i answered honestly and the only correct answer to that question is “Yes, Sir.” But i wasn’t sorry, i had meant what i did and i’d do it again, but he made me feel sorry through punishment, that’s why the punishments were so hard. i don’t miss how i was never allowed to call him Sir unless i was in trouble, but i didn’t know i needed that. i felt a conflict within myself because of loving to submit and to be on my knees. Maybe those 3 things are why i was always in trouble and i didn’t understand that until a writing assignment from my current Dom. Sir Dave doesn’t have to punish me for me to learn my lesson, because i do really feel sorry. i get to call him Sir all the time so i don’t need to be in trouble and i get to be scolded over the phone. i hadn’t known that i was submissive until 2 years ago, My first Dom had found me and had started making demands after a short time, but no matter what he said i felt a gentleness from him and i wasn’t insulted or afraid. If i was nervous i couldn’t laugh, because i’d been on the verge of being punished for it and i miss my self restraint with that. Sir Dave is the only one that has ever been allowed to call me by my real name. He had asked what i’d like to be called. When i’m asked something i search my feelings and when he asked about using my real name i didn’t mind it, i actually became somewhat happy with the idea. i do miss being called shay, but when Sir Dave says my actual name he gets my attention faster because i feel a jolt (where’d that lightning come from?) and i cringe when he says it in a stern way. i don’t even like my actual name, but i like it when he says it.

Since asking Sir Dave to be my Dom i have never sought the attention of another, i just failed at sending them away when they showed up (which is entirely different). i have guidelines about how to deal with other Doms and anyone that would take my attention away from my Sir. i have occasionally failed at using those guidelines and had been punished, but i’d rather be punished numerous times than have him disappointed in me. He said he was disappointed in me once and even though i was in emotional shutdown mode, it still cut through and i nearly cried. Even better than alot of punishments is obedience. (You’d think so, wouldn’t you?) i don’t like that word “obedience”, because i’m no one’s pet, and no authority figure had ever taken care of me. i raised myself (poorly, i might add). i’ve always had problems with authority and following rules. So my loving submission and trying to be obedient are in direct conflict, but i feel that nothing makes me happier. If i could be on my knees all the time i would be. i wouldn’t even mind a collar. So what am i?

At the beginning everything was a suggestion and i don’t remember suggestions. Nothing becomes a rule until enforced. i can’t help that i think that way, but i’ve noticed just at this moment that i do. (i’d never followed rules before and had no reason to.) My biggest problem has been procrastination. I get things done better if i have an exact deadline so that i can plan my procrastination accordingly. The best thing would be not to procrastinate at all, but i can’t seem to do that except when i’m told to do something immediately. Sometimes time escapes from me and i don’t know what happened, i don’t normally have a good excuse… EVER. Sir Dave has added deadlines to my rules and that works out better, but i had missed the occasional deadline. After my punishment a couple days ago i felt motivated to do my report and have not been late since. i have not screwed up with talking to other guys in a little over a week now. i had a few problems with persistent guys, but rather than get into trouble i had let Sir Dave know within 5 minutes of it starting and he dealt with it, i appreciate that very much. Sir Dave tends to block people and delete my messages. i was sort of a message hoarder and blocking people makes me sad. Blocking people is so hard for me, because i know what rejection is like and i don’t want to spread it around and if someone has to be blocked i don’t want them to wonder why, so i would send a short explanation. i have sort of a problem with bedtimes and sometimes ask to stay up, even if i know what the answer would be to staying up all night, i still need to hear it. That answer has prevented a few late nights. i never thought i’d accept a bedtime before Sir Dave and i don’t have a problem with the idea anymore. Sometimes i knew i’d be punished for staying up, i just couldn’t seem to go to bed. i’d like to think i’m doing better, but i don’t know if i am. If my husband would tell me to go to bed i’d almost always stay up all night just because he said to go to bed. i’d often told him that i don’t have a bedtime. So based on that information i’m doing an amazing job at abiding by a bedtime, despite being punished for missing a few of them.

Sir Dave has instructed me to do some things that i couldn’t do, things that scared me. Yet his persistent dominance and talking me through it has been effective. i was supposed to be on the Atkins diet, but learned that it could be dangerous for me because of hypoglycemia (that i’m still not convinced i have. i’ve just been dizzy and weak sometimes with the occasional headache. i don’t know what a blood sugar level of 58 means, but apparently it’s bad- causes blindness, deafness, dizziness, queasy cells (if cells can throw up). All those symptoms have happened only once). Now i’m forbidden by Sir Dave to follow the diet (which was his idea). i’m just working on avoiding fast food and desserts, i feel like i need a simple sugar at every meal because normal food doesn’t seem to change fast enough. i have a problem with my breasts being touched at all, i’d really like to forget they’re there because i was molested. i feel like i’m over it, up until someone tries to touch me. Sometimes touch translates into a flashback, but i don’t have those often. Sir Dave was having me touch them and i didn’t like it, so i almost didn’t go online the next day. i was just uncomfortable, that’s all. It was too much too fast in dealing with things that have never been dealt with. i’ve talked about it with my therapist only twice and she thinks it’s caused my compulsion with guys, but we never talk about it. i would like to get over it, instead of just not talking about it. i feel somewhat better about it since talking to Sir Dave and i understand it better, i know things that i wished i’d known a long time ago, because i may have made a few different choices. Sometimes he asks me an uncomfortable question and i hesitate. i ask if i really have to answer it, but i’m not trying to be difficult. i just need him to say yes and then i can say anything. i spent time here trying to figure out why that is and i still don’t know, but i can’t stay here (deadlines.. you know).

Something that is fake can’t inspire real change and i have changed. Even if i wasn’t sure whether not i’ve changed, my therapist has noticed changes and so i have a witness. i’m doing better and trying to do better, i’m not afraid to try anymore. i’m not intimidated by people anymore, my Dom has my intimidation reserved. My therapist sees more confidence, i make eye contact, i am engaged in the conversation. i don’t cling to my belongings. i’m more relaxed and happy. i no longer say nothing is going on like a fog i couldn’t see through, but lots of things are going on like a rainbow (skittles!!). i couldn’t imagine being any happier. Well.. i could, but i should stop daydreaming.

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This is Real (Assignment)

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