i hadn’t a feeling or thought left in my body. i was answering every message i received and wasn’t paying any special attention to my Dom. i just wasn’t feeling it, i wasn’t feeling as though i had a submissive bone in my body.
i had a couple assignments from my Dom and my behavior report was late, he asked what he should do with me and i wasn’t sure i cared at that moment. (assignments were due by 7am, i had forgotten that and i have a procrastination problem. Procrastination wasn’t the culprit this time, it was perfectionism.) Alot of time had passed and at nearly noon i hadn’t turned anything in. i had just spent every last emotion on writing an apology and it had taken hours of trying to get it right, of thinking and feeling. i felt extremely sorry for hours and when i’d finally posted it i couldn’t feel anymore, it was like having hands so numb from being out on a cold winter day that you can’t even turn a doorknob and so you knock. When i feel too much my feelings shut off like tripping the circuit breaker. My Dom found out that i was talking to everyone because he logged into my account and every message had sort of a timestamp. He said to me that it had upset him, that it was disrespectful, and that he was disappointed in me. i had no feeling, but the disappointment had hurt me like wearing safety glasses and still getting struck in the eye with a piece of debris. i also hadn’t meant to upset him. i had wanted to talk to rg privately because this was a crisis. i had lost my identity (i didn’t want anyone else to know and so i didn’t say that i didn’t feel submissive, i didn’t want to upset my Dom further or even accept that i couldn’t function as a submissive) and all i had left was pain that nearly brought tears to my eyes. i was trying to go through the motions without the e-motions. i wasn’t feeling able to submit. i didn’t feel anything other than hurt, but while being scolded on the phone my emotion had started returning like a growing leak in a dam with every stern word he spoke to me. i felt like i could kneel again as a submissive. i could get an emotional reset from a spanking, i didn’t know i could also get it from a scolding. i don’t want to feel that emotionless again, it felt horrible to get lost, but i’m glad that i didn’t feel alone. That wasn’t me yesterday that was breaking rules like that and was late with all of my tasks. i take my Dom seriously, i respect and adore him. i didn’t mean any disrespect, and i’m sorry. At first i had no emotion and i was just sorry i got caught, but now i’m really sorry. (And it’s not because i’m scared of rubberbands) i think i have a punishment coming (but forgiveness is wayyyy better) and i deserve it, but i just wanted to explain and say that i’m sorry. And i wanted to thank him for scolding me so that i could find myself again. This isn’t to get out of punishment, this is just to say i’m sorry. i haven’t yet decided to write an appeal. Lol.