Reconciliation- Day 122

November 29th, 2013
I’ve been feeling like I was slowly losing my sanity. I’ve been distracting myself by playing computer games and isolating.

I felt alive and happy for awhile, but then he started refusing to tend to my needs. I was scared everytime he did, but I wanted it. I’m not sure if I can say I need it. I can just shutdown and not think about it and be emotionless, can’t I? I stopped dreaming about it and mostly even stopped fantasizing. From time to time I wondered if someone else might want to, maybe I could pay someone. I can ignore it, but I’m convinced that I need it. I need to feel sometimes, at least a few days a month. I love feeling cared for, protected, tranquil, and happy. Last night I couldn’t take it anymore. I read an erotic book on the subject of spanking. I showered while my husband slept just in case he wanted to be helpful (I usually shower in the mornings). I read the book and stroked myself until my husband put his hand on my hip like usual. He then moved it to my butt and felt that I wasn’t wearing panties. I moaned. His hand on my butt always feels good…well not always, but I like it either way. He fingered me from behind. I felt like I needed to pee, but it wasn’t true because I had just been to the restroom. I can’t orgasm when he’s on that spot, but it feels so amazing that I feel my self control slipping away sometimes. Well after maybe 10 minutes I suddenly became as wet as it was possible to get. I don’t know what that was, but I didn’t orgasm. He said “there it is” and stopped. He rolled me onto my back and penetrated until his release. When he pulled out I immediately rolled to my stomach and started stroking myself again. I just had to finish or I was going to lose it. It wasn’t working because sometimes I need something inside. He was sitting on the side of the bed as I started looking for a tool. I was laying on my stomach looking through my bag that was on the floor. My husband slapped my butt and I froze. He spanked ke lightly with his hand, but it was hard enough to sting. I moaned and kept still until he was done. Then I got back under the blanket with my tool. I lay there content for a short time from his stinging attentions. That was almost enough that I might not have needed the tool. I inserted the tool and stroked myself,  but it was too thin even though I’m tight inside. I could still feel it and something was better than nothing. Suddenly my husband threw the blanket aside and I discreetly pulled it out. I don’t think he saw it. He took me by surprise when he spanked me with a paddle. I’m not too fond of those paddles. I’d forgotten what they feel like. It just stung at first, but the sensation increased to unbearable. I tried to hold still, but I couldn’t do it. I gasped and squirmed. I tried to prevent him from smacking the same spots over and over. After a minute that seemed much longer I rolled to my side because there was no longer any comfortable spot for him to smack. He stopped and told me to roll back over. I did and he spanked me some more. He said he wasn’t going to go through this again and asked “Do you understand?” I said “Yes” with a voice of agony. He stopped and I was glad. He told me to hold him, I was going to anyway. He said that he’s spanking me tonight. I was thinking that I had enough, but it’s always a nice thought. He told me to kiss his back and I did without question, except a small laugh. I nuzzled into his back after kissing it. He wanted to know if I’d cum while being spanked and I hadn’t. I can and have before, but didn’t these times, it takes getting near my pain limit, so it’s not something I aim to do. After about a half hour I resumed stroking myself after inserting the tool. It had only been a few minutes when he threw the blanket off again and I quickly pulled it out. He rolled me onto my back. He started oral stimulation. I used to always protest such treatment,  I always hated it, but he’s got me craving it after multiple times of pinning me to the bed and forcing it on me until I orgasmed. It’s been a long time since I struggled to get my privates away from his mouth. I still don’t like it, it’s too intense. I only enjoy it if he fingers me at the same time. Today after a couple minutes he started fingering and I was fast on the way to finishing. It took 5 minutes, it takes at least 20 minutes on my own. Then he penetrated again until he finished. He laid down and I held him as I drifted off to sleep. After about an hour he got up to go help my dad fix his sink. He told me to get some sleep, but I got up and showered,  then got dressed. He returned in the early evening and I’d been playing World of Warcraft until he returned.

Reconciliation- Day 122

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