Reconciliation – Day 37 (Immediate Consequences)

September 6th, 2013
My sister texted me a little after 3:30 am. I heard it, but didn’t look at my phone. My eyes were shut. LOL. (Anyway, the only person that texts me in the middle of the night is my ex boyfriend. He wants me to do a threesome with his wife, which I find odd.)

I woke a little before 5, because the bed was shaking. I figured that my husband was doing himself and I had slept in my clothes, inconvenient for him, huh? I found that insulting. I checked my phone and the text said that her daughter’s baby went to the hospital due to a seizure. Who can go back to sleep after news like that? In my response I asked if they were still at the hospital. I got up and started by waking the slowest kid in the house. I’ve been waking them one at a time lately because we have only one bathroom. After 2 kids left it was 7am, so I woke my husband several times. You know, he really made me upset when he made excuses not to get up like expecting me to get his clothes and iron them. For some reason, right before I started ironing I opened a drawer and slammed it because I was ticked off. I don’t know why I opened it though. He got up shortly after that. He asked me if I slammed a drawer. I said that I had. He asked if I did it on purpose. I can’t say I expected that question. I hesitated (perhaps I froze) and smiled before looking at him to answer. I wasn’t sure I should answer that. I said, “yes”. Even if I denied it, my look of guilt would have betrayed me. So, oh well. I expected that I was probably going to get it, but that didn’t happen. I didn’t know whether to be relieved or disappointed. Can I be both? He asked where his socks were. I said I don’t know and he struck my but with his belt (such perfect aim). He asked again. I said that he didn’t ask for any socks. He struck me again. He asked again and I said that I don’t know. He struck me a 3rd time. I then said “okay” and moved to the dresser, because that nice stinging sensation would turn into pain if I didn’t.  I didn’t ask the question that popped into my head. I was going to ask if his question was supposed to mean that he wanted me to get him some socks. I got him a pair of socks out of his drawer. When he was fully dressed and prepared to go he sat on the end of the bed watching TV. He told me that I’d better not sleep in clothes again. I said, “Why?” I don’t know how to describe the look he gave me, it had 2 sides. It was playful and dangerous. He said, “He said, “You know why.” I can deal with the playful side, could be fun. It’s the dangerous side which promised punishment that has me worried. 

I played World of Warcraft, went to the store, and stopped McDonald’s where I started this entry. My husband called on my phone. He asked what I was doing and I said “sitting”. I knew he wasn’t home yet because he didn’t ask where I was. I headed home because I realized he’d be home any minute.

My husband came in shortly after I did. He asked if there was any mail. I said that it was just junk. He asked if anything came from this agency we deal with and I said, “not today”, because that came a few days ago. A few seconds later I added that bit of information, I have difficulty keeping up any deception when asked direct questions. Anyway, it was my mail. He insisted on seeing it, but I said that it wasn’t addressed to him. He  demanded to see it a few times and I said that it was addressed to me with my name on it. He struck me with the black paddle and then I kept my back to the wall. I couldn’t really remember what I’d done with it at that moment. He flipped me onto the bed, I said, “No, wait!” But he didn’t wait, he paddled my butt. Then my phone started ringing. I was already begging and added that “my phone is ringing.” He stopped and I answered it. It was difficult to sound normal as if I didn’t have a stinging  rear end. I think maybe I pulled it off, not perfectly, but it was an acceptable performance. The maintenance guy said he talked the central air repair man and he’d be coming in a couple hours. When I got off the phone, I told my husband what he said and found that letter in my purse. I was looking it over myself and he asked for it. I said, “but it has my…” He grabbed the paddle and I gave it to him. Then I laid on my stomach on the bed, not that I couldn’t sit, it’s easier to type on my phone that way and I didn’t really want to sit on my butt anyway.. it would be a slightly uncomfortable experience. He said to tell him when things come in the mail. Why did that smart remark come out of my mouth? Know what I said? I said, “I’ll tell you if it has your name on it.” So he spanked me with that paddle again as I begged him to stop. He asked if I was going to tell him when mail came in. I said, “Yes!” When he stopped which was after a total of maybe 10 seconds,  I felt oddly peaceful and refreshed.Then he stood near the end of the bed and told me to say something else. Have you ever clamped your mouth shut to make sure nothing slips out? My mouth was buried in my pillow as I shook my head regarding his challenge to say something. Then he left to try to get a refill on his medication and called me on my phone reminding me to send someone to get our son from the bus stop. He even told me the current time and I resisted the smart remark of telling him that I already knew what time it was. All the kids arrived home and I wasn’t sure what we should have for dinner. Everytime I thaw meat in the refrigerator it ends up back in the freezer, why should I try? I put a pack of hotdogs in the microwave to defrost enough to separate them. (As if I’d feel like using a knife to pry them apart, I’m still sort of sick, so I let the defrost setting do it.) My mother was mentally ill and so we ate anything out of a can or box, ate at Grandma’s, or ate Mcdonald’s. She was never married, my dad never lived with us. The only guy that ever lived with us was her boyfriend who she dated about 20 years who molested me once, yet she stayed with him. In other words.. define wife.. define mother. I don’t know these terms, I’ve heard of them and assume they might mean doing things, but I couldn’t tell you what those things might be. When he returned the kids and I had started watching something on the DVD player, but he wanted the tv back to himself. Our oldest daughter left to her room and sulked. I left to play om the computer. Then he’d said that we could go back to watch it. I suppose that only my son and his younger sister watched it. I told the kids to eat hotdogs. I didn’t return to the bedroom until after bedtime. When I was at the bedroom door before opening it, the television sounded almost like movie theatre volume. I undressed and went to sleep. I didn’t cuddle against my husband because I was still sick.

Note: 9-7-2013
It’s a little too early to be having a bad day, but that’s what it is so far. So forget this, I’m going to play World of Warcraft even though I’d rather be sleeping. I’m also getting impatient and frustrated with not being able to cry. So I’m going to rage play, OK? Ugh.

Reconciliation – Day 37 (Immediate Consequences)

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