So I didn’t post yesterday… I’m sorry. I shouldn’t blame myself for that. It’s just over… between my master and I. He gave me a choice.
Choices are dangerous, he’s supposed to tell me what to do. Without him being available to me, I must do the logical thing and walk away. I was going to say instinct. But it isn’t my instinct. My instinct is to fall on the floor and never stand again, my instinct is to flood his profile wall with messages, my instinct is to demand he pay attention to me, but I won’t be that pathetic person. I’ll be the strong person I was before I met him. Who needs a master, anyway? I did. No one can replace him, I did everything to please him (even things I’d never do), why did he abandon me? Why did I walk away? Because of him. Because he let me go. I always say that the surest way to lose me is to let me go. He’d let me go before, but I wouldn’t leave and in turn he held onto me. But it’s not going to happen this time. I can’t live on a 5 minute a day timeframe. He has no time for me anymore and said this will continue for 2 more weeks. It’s like the choice between dying and merely surviving. I must stand after weeks of being on my knees and survive, because I refuse to die.
I’m not a slave, I’m a submissive. I could never be a slave, they’d have to kill me first and maybe I’d be a slave in the afterlife. I could never give total control. I have…(*had) to misbehave and I had to be punished. I don’t know why I always try… (*tried) to get out of an impending punishment. It was like I thought of my behavior after I’d done it. I crossed that damned line, where the hell did that line go? Why doesn’t it ever show itself until after I’ve stumbled over it? I wished I could get revenge by strangling it. It’s the line’s fault for turning invisible, it seemed like I didn’t care, but I was set up. That line hated me, it had done it to me on purpose and got me punished when it disappeared. I wanted to walk on that line like I used to walk the street curb as a child, but it had been impossible. Walking street curbs was easier, they don’t disappear when I get close. He caught me on the wrong side of that line and I looked at my feet. Whoops. I was over the line alright, but I swear I don’t know how I got there. Sometimes I was way over the line and didn’t know it until I was punished for it. I could always tell how far over the line I’d gone by the severity of the punishment. I loved knowing when I’d really crossed way over the line, I loved that he cared enough to teach me (even when I didn’t want the lesson). I knew I needed it, I just didn’t want it. (But at the same time I did want it. I can’t explain it now, it’s a very long story. ) There was one punishment I didn’t ever want to repeat, it was the bad attitude one. He almost broke me with that one. I would have had perfect behavior for like.. a month (2 weeks). It had been 50 strokes with the belt on each side without a break. I wanted to fall on the floor by the time his count reached 35. I couldn’t take anymore by the time he reached 40, I orgasmed when he pushed past my limit, but I definitely didn’t need anymore punishment. I didn’t feel the orgasm, there was too much pain, but I knew because the unbearable desire (that I wanted to beg to have satisfied, that I struggled not to touch) had suddenly gone. I hugged myself through the pain. Yet, at 50 it wasn’t over because my bad attitude caused me to break every rule I’d been given and not even care where that line disappeared to. So I had several more punishments and more added for everytime I answered him without saying “Sir” (I could have kicked myself), but the breaks in between made them bearable. He made me very sorry and I become sorry every time I think about it. I learned.
It’s been 2 days since our breakup. I love him, you know, but I can’t understand why he can’t be with me anymore. I’ve listened to sad love songs over and over again. I’ve interviewed a new master, but it’s not going to work. My former master is irreplaceable. I don’t know how he found that weakness I didn’t know I had and planted himself there. I don’t think anyone else can do that, I don’t even know how HE did it. HOW? I don’t think I will ever be able to forget him. What difference will 2 weeks make? The time he needs to get his life back in order? I don’t know if I’ll still be there in 2 weeks. I don’t know what I’ll feel or what I’ll be doing. Maybe I’ll have forgotten that I ever needed a master and wonder who he thinks he is. Yet, maybe he’ll never return at all, I walked away and have no idea where I’m going.