Started as a Crush

 Before I ever saw him I had an instant crush like I was drawn to him, but I made no move. I argued with myself about approaching him and logic won. He was obviously much older, probably married, likely not interested, and I had a boyfriend.

Here’s what happened:

I was on my lunch break and the door to the store of the Commissary (where I worked) opened. Someone came in laughing and talking loudly. I never heard anyone so loud, it was such a joyous sound, and I had a crush. I got up to see who it was I had a crush on. Looking at him changed nothing, I still had a crush, but like I said logic won the argument so I left him alone. Since I was 19 I had gotten into the mood of approaching any guy I thought I liked. I had done it once before and was in still in a strange relationship with that first one I discreetly approached. At this time I was with the guy 8 months and was getting tired. I can’t specify here why I was getting tired (that information would be in my detailed explicit journal). All I can say about it is that my boyfriend wasn’t talking to me at the time, he had just got back from his trip to Washington and something was wrong, but he wouldn’t talk and didn’t return my call. I’m ahead of myself. On the day I met this man, my boyfriend was still on his trip. I wasn’t missing anything while he was on his trip because I was still a virgin at 20 years old. On my next break that older man introduced himself and stated that if I needed anything he was around. So his name was Ed. His introduction prompted another argument with myself. I wondered what to make of it, I told myself that he was just being nice, I couldn’t read his intentions, and regardless I had a boyfriend (whom I’d have to get rid of if I wanted to move on). I didn’t date 2 guys at once- EVER, besides I’d only ever been on one date and it was strange. Again, logic won the argument and I left Ed alone, but it was a long argument that lasted about 10 minutes. After my break I returned to work and was minding my own business, taking my time with restocking the shelves just perfect. Not to say that my mind didn’t wander to him every time I heard him, but it had been settled mainly because I was sure he wouldn’t be interested, if I thought he might have been then it might have been different. I’m sure that just about ANY guy would be interested in explicit things, but I wasn’t in the market for that and I never had that. My boyfriend couldn’t hold a serious conversation about anything, when he visited me he brought friends, his mother dropped us off for our date (AWKWARD). When I met my boyfriend I wasn’t prepared for the kid stuff, he was 17, but he seemed so smart… well… he LOOKED smart with his glasses on. Don’t put this on ME, I had started asking him to be serious and that I was tired of dirty jokes, but he didn’t take that seriously either. So I was at work stocking shelves while my boyfriend was on a trip with the ROTC. I didn’t expect to be approached by that man again. I already decided that he wasn’t interested, was probably in a relationship, I wasn’t even old enough to drink, and besides…I had a BOYfriend- and here he was again. He couldn’t possibly be interested so the only explanation had to be that he was toying with me, but I played along to see where he’d go with it. Some of the things he asked would have to go into the adult blog and be marked explicit. He was on the fast track and I didn’t know where that track was going. I decided that I would NEVER sleep with him, he seemed to be playing, but I answered all of his questions. So basically he found out I was 20 years old, couldn’t answer his explicit questions due to being a virgin (he made me spell it out for him, “I’ve never done that”), had a boyfriend, and might give him a chance. So even after I said I was with someone he said, “Is there room in your heart for me?” and I said “Maybe”.  I had thought “I could fall in love with you”, but I didn’t say that, it would have given him too much power over me if he knew I was in some sort of trance. It wasn’t sexual because the thought of being with a stranger turned me off and I was in no rush to find the one. I had wondered WHEN he was going to ask what he really wanted to ask me. The questions lasted all night, he’d visit the aisle I was in for a few minutes and leave. The first couple of times I was surprised that he returned to me. So after several interrogations he finally decided to ask me out. He ended up standing me up and it ticked me off enough that I argued with myself about what to do. Normally, I would have just let it go, but I had too much riding on that date. I argued myself into playing along with his game so I’d have no regrets when he turned out to be a jerk, but I was scared too. I was afraid that I’d actually fall in love with him so I thought it would be better if I left him alone, but I couldn’t do it. I’ve had several past regrets about not approaching guys I had crushes on, this one had approached ME, and I just had to say something. Normally, I would have waited and thought things through, but when he walked past me on my lunch break I had become enraged about going from the center of his attention to being ignored. This was just unacceptable and I was tired of guys thinking they could play games with me. (Obviously, I wasn’t falling for their tricks anyway.) He walked by me while talking to other people. I got up from the break table and walked after him. Several others were in the break room. I followed him into another room and everone could hear as I said, “So are you ignoring me now?!”
      “I’m not ignoring you” (sounding sweet) He looked scared. I said, “Where were you? You didn’t show up! You didn’t call!”
       “…. uh…. uh…. I got scared.”
       “I waited a long time.”
        “I’ll make it up to you. Next time I’ll show up for sure.”

So Ed and I started going out, my boyfriend visited me on occasion, and meanwhile this other guy at work started liking me. So I had three guys when before 8 months prior I couldn’t even get one. I had become confused. I had a BOYfriend, a regular date, and some uninteresting guy that wanted to be “special friends”. What the hell is a special friend? He explained it was friends with “benefits”. I hadn’t given ANYONE “benefits” and he knew that because I told him when our nightstocker team went out for our regular breakfast outing and he dropped me off at home last. I wouldn’t let him touch me or kiss me… ewww. Still, he was a nice guy and I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. I kept trying to let him down easy but he was like a… I couldn’t shake him off. Ed wasn’t in on the outings because he was the maintenance supervisor at work. I wonder if that guy thought those outings were dates… what the hell??? I already had 2 problems to choose between. When I got lonely when Ed wasn’t around I called that guy that had a crush on me. He’d rush over and keep me company. Ed gave me alot of attention I never had and when he wasn’t around I got lonely from thinking about him. I talked to the guy, danced with him only 1 time, sat on his van with him, but never let him touch me. Yeah, I called him, but how could he think something was between us when I kept telling him I was with someone? Even after I got to the point where I had to start being mean to him, he asked me to wear his necklace. I soooo didn’t know that was a marriage proposal. I was telling Ed everything except about the guy that kept trying to steal me. I didn’t want Ed to kill him, not that I thought he liked me enough to kill someone (I hoped he really liked me). I was infatuated with no one but Ed. I told Ed that I was confused. He asked when we could do things and I said “Well, I’ve been with my boyfriend for 8 months… so… 8 months.”  When I thought I might want to after 2 weeks I had to do something first. I had to break up with my boyfriend. The breakup was awkward. I had been calling to talk to my boyfriend, he didn’t call me back, but one day he came over and Ed was there. I just about got on my knees and BEGGED Ed to go sit in my dad’s room because I hadn’t had the chance to tell my boyfriend about anything. I could tell that Ed was fuming, but I had a problem at the door. It took me a few minutes to tell him it was over. I told him I had someone else and then I took him to meet Ed. They were civil, had some small talk, and I showed my ex out. Ed knew that a white guy at work was chasing me that guy followed me around on every break like a stalker and I would get a cold look from Ed as if to say “get rid of him”. He had sometimes arranged a different place for us to meet during my break so that I wouldn’t be followed. The start of our break was announced on the intercom and he would come to where we decided to meet.

In the midst of all of MY confusion what was he hiding? I told him everything and he wouldn’t tell me where he lived and wouldn’t give me his phone number. A couple of people at work told me that he was married.  I asked him and he said it wasn’t true, but wouldn’t say anything else. It was strangely important that I forgot nothing in his car. I ignored it and played stupid because I didn’t really want to know. My sister’s philosophy was that she didn’t care who a guy was with as long as they put her first. I would have refused to accept that ESPECIALLY after I dropped every guy for him (a boyfriend AND a fiance. lol). We couldn’t stand to be apart so he moved in with me when I got an apartment with my dad. My dad gave me space and didn’t stay. It wasn’t long after that some woman came to my door claiming that he stole some females car. So if his car was some woman’s car then he must have been with someone, she took the car, but if she had tried to take him there would have been a fight. It was too late to get him back. I totally skipped over the part where we had gotten close, but he was my first. I wasn’t stupid, I had that argument with myself already and my logic supported the activity: I thought I loved him, I thought maybe he loved me, I thought I was ready, he wanted to, even if he didn’t love me I was willing to risk him running off because love was worth it, and I wanted to marry him, he was THE ONE. I only ever wanted one partner for my whole life.

I want a discussion with my husband, then maybe I can stop thinking about it because I’ll know what was really going on.

Started as a Crush

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