Neglected and Isolating

So what if I’m not on Skype. Other people have the excuse of not being able to contact me if I’m not logged into certain accounts, but not him. He (my master) has none.

There is another app that sends messages directly to my phone number, PLUS he HAS my phone number, he has 2 of my email addresses, can contact me through 2 websites including FB, and has direct access to this blog. I don’t want to log into Skype. I’m isolating myself now. Anyone looking for me will have to make an attempt. My husband hasn’t called me, my dad disappeared to Florida without a word, and my master hasn’t messaged me. That leaves the perfect opportunity for me to be totally alone. This time I haven’t blocked my husband from calling me,  I’ve never blocked my master (I’ve been appropriately and thoroughly threatened by both).

So yesterday I ate a salad around 4:30 after I mowed the lawn and that was my meal for the day. I swear that I considered eating at 10:04, but I had plenty of time before 11. Then as I refused to get up, time ticked beyond 11, I considered eating at 11:15, but checked if I felt like it.. I didn’t. Later l did have 2 servings of of my salad several hours apart (equalling 2 meals). I started getting weak around 5pm, but food was being digested so I didn’t feel concerned. I was glad that I had already mowed the lawn, which is obviously more important than eating and staying conscious. If I still had an attentive master, he’d say I’ve earned a spanking. If my husband was paying attention he’d threaten the same.  I truly do not care about eating. You’d think I’d get sick with hunger before my body threatens to lose consciousness, but I don’t. Most of the time I’m not even hungry. You are supposed to eat when hungry, right? But what if you only get hungry every 2-3 days because that 1 meal at the end of the day is all have you need for? I have no incentive to care other than avoiding a spanking from people that currently aren’t even paying attention to me.

The wooden paddle with holes in it that I ordered arrived yesterday afternoon. I haven’t bothered to mention it to a single soul. I slapped the palms of my hands with it and it was the worst stinging I’d ever felt in my life. I’m not sure I can bear it, so I ordered another paddle. It’s a flexible rubber one this time. I received notice that the replacement was shipped this morning. Why do all these sellers hate me? I thought it would take at least 3 days to process the order.

Still, I am remaining conscious of my emotional state. The last time I completely stopped caring. I was warned a day in advance, but continued with my attitude of not caring and I knew I needed it, because I was beyond being able to stop. I tried to care, but it wasn’t in me. The next morning I was scolded and spanked severely. When I feel myself on a steep emotional decline like that I stop in my tracks because I don’t want to be spanked that severely again. I remain on a slow decline, though, which could mean I might get it again, but it won’t be from lack of effort. I’d again be in that state of not caring right night if I wasn’t determined to hold on and keep it together, so that I don’t get it like the last time. Holding on like this is irritating me. I can’t climb and no matter how tightly I grip the rope, I’m still sliding down. I really want to just let go, but I don’t dare let go. Why can’t I just let go?

Neglected and Isolating

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