Shaking with Fear

You know what’s scary? My husband is the only one I let get close to me. Now I’m tired of feeling vulnerable and I want to run so I can shut down my emotion and be alone for the rest of my life. He isn’t letting me run. He’s right there holding my hand.

I feel like such a child with this many things wrong with me. I can’t even endure being touched by anyone but him. He wants to understand why I shut him out. I don’t know.. I’m afraid I’m not good enough and he along with everyone on Earth needs to find someone else: some other friend, some other sister, some other daughter, some other lover, some other employee, some other mother, some other person… some other wife. It’s not me, I can never do anything right or make anyone happy. He keeps saying he loves me, I guess I know he does, but I can’t understand. I’m not worthy of anyone’s love but my own. I’ve come to accept that I’m less to everyone but me. And he wants to tell me I’m incorrect which supports my idea of not doing anything right. I don’t feel worthless, but I feel I am no use to anyone.. I’m just here and I prefer to be invisible. He won’t let me fade into the background and become invisible. What does he want with me? Isn’t he tired of me by now, after 15 years? We’ve been separated nearly 2 years, isn’t there a time to let me go? We were making each other miserable, can’t he see that? The events that happened just sped up our separation, they didn’t cause it. I’m still trying to escape when part of me wants to stay.

I talked to him on the phone today. I feel so unimportant and boring that everytime someone asks what I’m doing I say “Nothing”  because what I am doing equals nothing to everyone but me. He made a rule at least 2 months ago that I am no longer allowed to say nothing. I have to answer the question. He had to remind me alot at first.  After a month I started to catch myself doing it and rephrased my answer. Now saying “Nothing”  is just a thought at the back of my mind. I am doing so well with this and he is so proud of me. I feel like a child with him being proud of me, I don’t think anyone’s ever said that to me before. Yeah, I’m pretty sure I have never heard those words said to me in my entire life (Not even when I was speaker at my high school graduation). Now he wants to move on to another challenge, but I just want to enjoy this success longer. I don’t want to have a new chance at failing yet. He talked about moving on to new issues. I said, “How many issues do I have?” He said that he doesn’t know, but I don’t know either. He thinks the next issue is touch.  I think that’s an advanced issue (like calculus) and shouldn’t be addressed anytime soon. I guess I need to think of something else to work on so he doesn’t make me start touching people.

I explained to my husband that I didn’t shut him out to hurt him. He asked why. I said because I was thinking that no one cared about me and I wanted to be alone. I needed to boost my self importance. They call that self esteem, right? He brought up that dreaded incident again. My biggest  fear, because he had been promising to do the same under the same circumstances. Today my prayers were answered because he promised that it would never happen again and he meant it. I never tried to influence him on this, I just kept my distance and I prayed a few times. He said he could never do that again because he cares too much.  The only excuse I had left to not take him back is gone. I could have cried. I whispered,  “Thank God! Thank you,  God.” He asked at that moment if I wanted to tell him anything. I said, “I love you.” Now I feel that I can give myself to him fully (except for my issues). I mean last week I texted to him:

I love you like the fresh air I breathe and would suffocate without.  I miss you like the sun in the winter when the days are too short and it’s gone too soon. I want you like I were in the desert under the scorching hot sun wishing for nothing but water (you). I need you like I need to feel like I exist to at least one person that doesn’t run over me (or yell at me like I’m not real).

He asked what was discussed at my therapy session that I considered the best session ever.  It was a breakthrough. Something I’d never discussed to anyone on Earth (except anonymously online). He wamted to know what was discussed,  but I couldn’t tell him that.  I wanted to tell him for a long time, but my therapist told me not to tell him. When he learned that I was advised not to tell him he backed off. The truth is that being molested that one time affected me more than I thought. I did some minor things I should never tell anyone about, I have a thought process that isn’t right,I have a behavior I can’t control, and a reflex to being touched I try to fight.

My husband said he was out of his medication. I joked that I wasn’t letting him in the house without his medication. He asked about the paddle I bought, but I do believe he’ll have to get in the house before he can get to it to use it on me.  I didn’t mention my smart thoughts. I like to keep all my thoughts to myself. He sounded amused,  but for some reason he didn’t sound like he was going to take it easy on me. He asked when he should use it several  times.  I said when I don’t do what I’m supposed to and when I do something wrong.  I wanted to say when I don’t talk to him, but I think I’d prefer the belt for that one.  His tone when he said he was going to spank me for each of the things I’d told him.. You should have heard it.. He sounded merciless.  I literally started shaking with fear everytime he said it.. A full body type of fear.  I’d still prefer this rather than the alternative of him yelling at me. He asked if he should use it before or after sex. I said,  “Before”. He assured me sex would happen afterwards, I don’t require that,  but it might be nice. He had scared me with his serious tone about spanking me and then he said that I’m not allowed to get upset if I don’t hear from him for a whole day. He said, “Do you understand?” I said “Yes, Sir.” I’ve been strong, struggled to feel ok, to make sure I didn’t have to rely on people to support me, I watched over my mother since kindergarten, I was molested by my mother’s boyfriend, I dispensed her medication so she wouldn’t kill herself with it, I went through her belongings alone when she died. I don’t know what exactly I’m tired of (being on my own?), but I’m not fighting my husband anymore. He can show me what he wants to show me. Apparently he wants me to think and feel that I’m a person. There’s are problems with that.. People feel, the only feelings that I can’t fully repress are towards him.  People touch.. and I can only bear to be touched by him (even casually). And I’ve been wishing he’d go away so I can be free to become permanently invisible. (I can’t promise I’m done trying to chase him off, if he’s leaving he should go now.) I’ve told him 10 days ago that “I’d be happy to submit” to him.

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Shaking with Fear

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