Don’t Touch Me

My earliest memory includes not ever wanting to be touched or kissed. I figure that something must be broken but I can’t figure out what.

These are my memories of touch. When I was 4 my father spanked me for not wanting to kiss him. Up until I was 12 there were unwanted Grandma and Aunt hugs. At 12 I was assaulted by my friend/neighbor for a kiss. He kept trying to touch me as in boyfriend privileges. At 14 I had a boyfriend that did alot of touching and I was uninterested, but allowed it. I actually sort of enjoyed the dry humping. At 16 I was molested by my mother’s boyfriend. At 17 a stranger that followed me home explained what sex and oral sex were and I threatened to scream if he didn’t leave my residence. At 18 I only enjoyed hugging my godmother but didn’t understand what it meant that she would kiss my neck. Also at 18 I was taught by my crush to kiss. At 19 I had a boyfriend that liked to touch and I allowed it, he was able to make me forget my name. (He’d kiss my belly or neck and then ask what my name was,  but I couldn’t remember. Hilarious.) At 20 I met a guy at work who wanted to do everything. I let him hold me, kiss me, and touch me. A month later I gave him my virginity. I resisted him sexually touching me outside of pure penetration. He forced his touch and kiss upon me, including pinning me to perform oral sex on me. We separated after 4 years and I slept with my ex for 3 months. I didn’t allow him to touch me either other than his cue of kissing my neck and then it was straight sex 3 times a day. I returned to the guy I first slept with and married him a couple years later, but I still wouldn’t allow any sexual touching. I let him hold me and hug me, which I let no one else do,  but no more kissing. In December of last year I enjoyed all the touch my husband could give me, including the spankings which released me from some unseen force. I’ve read the books ‘The Healing Touch’ and ‘The Loving Touch’ and they make up my favorite series and my favorite books. I’d like to discover how touch is supposed to be, even if I never find out why I hate to be touched.

Don’t Touch Me

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