I admit it, I was out of control from Saturday night until sometime on Monday. My husband had just thoroughly disappointed me on Saturday night deep into my core by saying that he wouldn’t spend the first day of his return with me. I was spiralling on a downward course to… well.. where I ended up. I broke nearly every rule I had been given.
My master had told me he didn’t like my negativity, but I couldn’t shake it off. (See post: Secret Heartbreak- link below) I was negative all day Sunday, I was told that I hadn’t listened to any of his encouraging words and that I’d be getting a spanking in the morning. I didn’t argue, I felt like I could use it and knew I couldn’t get out of that mood on my own. I needed to hit a reset switch on my emotion and maybe a spanking would help, but it wasn’t soon enough. He dared me not to eat 3 meals. I had missed breakfast entirely and had to make it up somehow, but I wasn’t in the mood to eat. I had a “Who cares?” attitude mixed with a ton of disappointment and a surge of “I don’t exist”. I said that I had to have feelings to be devastated, but I did have feelings (the lite version) and I WAS devastated. Sometimes when my guard is down I start to develop feelings. I should have caught it when I felt excited last week about my husband coming back, but I wanted to feel for a while and I let these feelings continue until I met with disappointment and this disaster. When I become overwhelmed with emotion I turn it off, it surprises me that people keep asking me how I do this. I just turn my emotions off whenever I please and go on about my life. I can go months without having an emotion and I enjoy my freedom to not feel. I had been warned to eat 3 meals, but I had even less interest in eating than I had before. When he went to bed due to our time differences being way off I remained online but hadn’t gotten any messages. I had already had an innapropriate conversation or 2 earlier in the day when he’d been busy, so getting no messages hadn’t gotten me off the hook, I was already in trouble TWICE. I must have fallen asleep, I know this because I woke up, so I can only assume that I had been asleep. I got back online but still didn’t have any messages, it’s always disappointing, thus adding to my point that “I don’t exist” which he had gotten tired of hearing me say. I didn’t bother to eat breakfast because, “Who cares?” At a little after 9 he messaged me. Have you ever experienced something that made you stop dead in your tracks and dread turning around? I felt like I was there doing something wrong and he called me from behind with a stern voice and I really felt like I dreaded turning around, but it was a message that popped up on my phone. I literally cringed. If I was a dog, my ears would have flattened back against my head in shame and I’m quite certain my tail would have been between my legs. I could have cursed my bad luck of being caught. (which anyone that knows me also knows I don’t do.) I was very happy that he was online, really I was, but I suddenly regretted those conversations I should have avoided. I was now in trouble THREE times, if not four. (I’m pretty sure he was counting my attitude and the disobedience of not improving my attitude as separate offenses) I was in trouble for missing a meal, but I still didn’t want to eat. I answered his message. I was told to take my belt and brush into the restroom with me. I really didn’t want to, but it was too late for regrets and I’d gone too far to even ask for mercy. I did as I was told and answered the call on Skype. I could feel it, I still had an attitude and I wasn’t enjoying being told what to do during my crisis and felt that he was just getting on my nerves. (See post: I’m a Whiner- link below) After my punishment I had resumed being negative, but I promise that it wasn’t nearly as bad. I was still feeling destructive and didn’t care about any rules. He said that he had stopped too soon, I agreed but I knew I couldn’t take anymore. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. He said that the punishment hadn’t worked and he’d have to devise a new one, but I assured him that it was working. I couldn’t think about any consequences of anything and didn’t particularly care (not yet), I wanted to care, but I needed to purge the negativity before I could feel again. I answered a message from my online friend, one of the ones that requested help with controlling her emotions, I told her that I’d just had an emotional overload, that it was my fault for letting things get to me, and that I’d dealt with it by turning it off. Ok, so the spanking took my attitude from -50 all the way up to 20. And the message to my friend gave me enough perspective to gain another 20 points which took me out of the danger zone (of getting a punishment added every hour for breaking all the rules). So a score of 40 out of 100 (70 being normal) felt subnormal and I was able to reflect on my.. situation. The punishment I’d endured was mostly for my attitude, I hesitate to say that I deserved it, but I’m leaning towards saying that. I have a deep impression that I don’t want to experience that again. It was an hour long. That 50 strokes on each side with the belt, with no breaks… it almost broke me. I wanted to fall to my knees and cry. I will not ever have an emotional tornado like that ever again. I thought that the spanking would never end and I’d lost that attitude entirely while it was happening, but I still had no emotion other than being very, very sorry. And now I’m sorry every time I think about it. That was a life altering punishment that I never want to happen again, a mood isn’t worth it. I’m very sure that I regretted my attitude almost to the point of tears (that I don’t have).He doesn’t like negativity, I’ve got it. I’ve learned that lesson well (I think). As much as I’d love to forget that lesson, I don’t think it’s going to happen. I guess the other lessons are sinking in slowly.
Now I don’t think my problem with eating can be changed the same way, he’d have to break me with that one. Lol. Currently, I’m a little concerned that he’s said that there are more rules that will be added later. I’m not doing so well with the old rules yet. I asked if I will ever be able to sit comfortably. He said yes. I said “When?” He said, “When you become a better person.” That sounds like a really painful journey. Lol.